tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-243585422024-02-08T05:24:26.058-08:00Ask IndignaBored? Lonely? Indignant? Need Advice? Go Ahead, <a href="mailto:Indigna@askindigna.com">Ask Indigna</a>Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.comBlogger171125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-35730167833269150782007-11-05T19:11:00.000-08:002007-11-05T19:18:13.852-08:00Bad DealDear Indigna,<br /><br />WTF??!!!?? Why is it that I can do construction work with the big boys and have arms of steel, yet my children still taunt me about my "plush bottom"? I can lift 150 pounds like the other guys, so how come I still look like a seedy old whore?<br /><br />Superwoman<br />Fifty-six, AR<br /><br />Dear menopausal has-been,<br /><br />Remember that deal with the Devil that you made to stay hot way past your sell-by date? I didn't think so. Fact is, you <span style="font-style: italic;">are</span> a seedy old whore. Deal with it.Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-88632326113872249522007-08-08T05:56:00.000-07:002007-08-14T06:00:23.814-07:00Thou Shalt CovetDear Indigna,<br /><br />Can Russia actually "claim" the polar regions simply by planting a flag there, all international laws to the contrary? Can the U.N. do anything to prevent this? I ask because I would very much like to expand my real estate holdings.<br /><br />Potential Plutocrat<br />NY, NY<br /><br />Dear Future World Leader,<br /><br />U.N., Spew N! <span style="font-style: italic;">Of course </span>this is legitimate, and has been for thousands of years! Okay, so the so-called "international law" "differs" -- for no more than the last half-century mind you! -- but that is just because of <span style="font-style: italic;">activist judges</span> who have <span style="font-style: italic;">legislated from the bench</span> by completely ignoring the fact that there is absolutely nothing in the "World Constitution" justifying this infringement on empirical rights (i.e., empire-building, per my free-speech-guaranteed personal dictionary)!<br /><br />No, no, no! I subscribe to the Scalia/Thomas view of any "constitutional" question that does not impact my personal life or financial status. We must return to the "Original Intent" of the Framers of the (World) Constitution.<br /><br />Here's the kicker--<span style="font-style: italic;">no such Constitution exists!</span> HA! Therefore we must return to the accepted interpretation of laws and whatnot that existed when such a document failed to be drafted, i.e., anytime before, oh, say, whatever date seems most convenient. If, just in the U.S. alone, we can <a href="http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&vol=000&invol=05-908">roll back</a> seemingly settled precedent like, I don't know, the 1954 decision <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.brownvboard.org/">Brown v. Board of Education</a><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span></span>(Justice Thomas in 2007: "it is far from apparent that coerced racial mixing has any educational benefits, much less that integration is necessary to black achievement"), we can certainly ignore any so-called "decisions" made thereafter. Fer example, <a href="http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&vol=410&invol=113"><span style="font-style: italic;">Roe v. Wade</span></a>, 1973, was partially overturned in <a href="http://supreme.lp.findlaw.com/supreme_court/docket/2006/november/05-380-gonzales-v-carhart.html">2007</a> 'cuz, you know, it totally ignored the long-accepted axiom that our delicate little ladies need to be protected from their own decisions by ball-swingers. Justice Kennedy:<br /><blockquote><span style="font-style: italic;">[S]ome doctors may prefer</span> not to disclose precise details of the means that will be used [to perform an abortion] ... <span style="font-style: italic;">It is self-evident</span> that a mother who comes to regret her choice to abort must struggle with grief more anguished and sorrow more profound when she learns, only after the event, what she once did not know [i.e., surgical details] ... <span style="font-style: italic;">It is a reasonable inference </span>that a <span style="font-style: italic;">necessary effect</span> of the regulation and the knowledge it conveys will be to encourage some women to carry the infant to full term, thus reducing the absolute number of late-term abortions. The medical profession, furthermore, <span style="font-style: italic;">may find</span> different and less shocking methods to abort the fetus in the second trimester, thereby accommodating legislative demand. ... <span style="font-style: italic;">While we find no reliable data to measure the phenomenon, it seems unexceptionable to conclude</span> some women come to regret their choice to abort the infant life they once created and sustained. [emphasis mine] (<a href="http://supreme.lp.findlaw.com/supreme_court/docket/2006/november/05-380-gonzales-v-carhart.html">Gonzales v. Carhart</a> No. 05-380 sec. IV-A)<br /></blockquote>This logic is clearly on the side of Right, as is the idea that "he who smelt it, dealt it." In other words, take responsibility for your own actions--or failure to act! To return to the question of Russia's bold claim of the Arctic Ocean, did anyone else put a flag there yet? No! So no one has any right to whine about Russia's getting there first. As for U.S. law, under the Thomas/Kennedy theory of jurisprudence, we must reject so-called "evidence" and "precedent" and decide the question of ownership using nothing more than common sense and speculation about the likely opinions of the eighteenth-century Framers of our Constitution. Yes, we must fall back onto the simple doctrine that governed land acquisition for thousands of years, yea, even unto the twentieth century. That doctrine is "finders keepers, losers weepers," provided the finder is better-armed than the loser. After all, where would our country be today if not for colonialism?Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-65030269099138528402007-07-17T00:52:00.000-07:002007-07-19T07:20:25.743-07:00What? What'd I Say? What's Wrong With What I Said?Dear Indigna,<br /><br />Can you believe this guy, <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070717/ap_on_re_us/university_slur;_ylt=AtJrC6mtmUzrKaR7vrq5IcjMWM0F">Ralph Papitto</a>, while chairman of the (all-white) board of Roger Williams University in Rhode Island, used the N-word in a board meeting and doesn't see what the big deal is? What's even more unbelievable is that three board members who objected to his language were <span style="font-style: italic;">forced to resign</span>! Papitto eventually resigned himself, but <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">only</span> "based on his age and his desire to spend more time with his family." Is this behavior typical of Fortune-500-Company founders or only Rhode Islanders?<br /><br />Proud African Woman<br />Providence, RI<br /><br />Dear Bee-atch,<br /><br />I only call you that because Mr. Pepitto told me that that is how you ladies like to be addressed. Of course, like Mr. Pepitto, I "have never used that term before," but I learned it the same way as the perfectly innocent Mr. Papitto learned <span style="font-style: italic;">his</span> "new" vocabulary word, as he explained in his own words:<br /><br /><a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070717/ap_on_re_us/university_slur;_ylt=AtJrC6mtmUzrKaR7vrq5IcjMWM0F">"The first time I heard [the N-word] was on television and then rap music or something."</a><br /><br />Naturally, after hearing it on "television" (and don't we all hear the N-word on television every fifteen seconds?) and "rap music or something [perhaps at his country club?]" he no doubt innocently assumed it was an inoffensive word. I suspect that his dropping the N-bomb--oops, I mean N-word!--was his attempt, as an 80-year-old white zillionaire, to appear "hep" to the other "cats" on the board. And hey! The guy says he "<a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070717/ap_on_re_us/university_slur;_ylt=AtJrC6mtmUzrKaR7vrq5IcjMWM0F">apologized</a>"! Whaddaya want from him--contrition? regret? surely not . . . <span style="font-style: italic;">repentance</span>?<br /><br />See, this just goes to show that old people become children again. Children innocently use "bad" words because they don't realize they're "bad." I recall, as a child, using confusing words in conversation with my parents just to find out what they really meant. I learned that "cock," "fuck," "shit," and "clitoris" meant a long, long stint in the coat closet. And, although it's been thirty years, I still miss chocolate.<br /><br />Mr. Papitto learned that the N-word means "retirement."Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-42211857415757948172007-07-15T22:02:00.000-07:002007-07-19T07:16:25.805-07:00Gut FeelingsDear Indigna,<br /><br />Despite an utter lack of what some of us call "evidence," "chatter," or especially "intelligence," <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=3336148">Michael Chertoff</a>, Secretary of Homeland Security, has encouraged Americans to engage in mass hysteria over this summer's coming "Terror Spectacular," which sounds like a good name for a Six Flags attraction. In the absence of anything concrete, what's his tipoff?<br /><br />Hunkered in My Bunker<br />Blazing Place, MT<br /><br />Dear Wise Citizen,<br /><br />Secretary Chertoff has a "gut feeling" that something bad's coming down this summer, so that's good enough for me. Who cares about "evidence" or "intelligence"? Those are for pussies. Just 'cuz his gut couldn't see Hurricane Katrina coming, even a week after it had already left, doesn't mean his gut can be wrong. No, no, it's just that his gut is a fine-tuned instrument that listens only to frequencies that can benefit his friends and allies. I mean, the guy didn't know anybody in New Orleans!<br /><br />I have so much faith in Chertoff's gut that I've placed my life savings on Spavined to win in the fourth at Churchill Downs. 'Cuz Chertoff's gut said so. (At least that's what it sounded like it was growling the other day. The fellow seems to have irritable bowel syndrome.) Plus, who can doubt anything that comes out the mouth of a guy who looks so much like Dr. Smith on "Lost in Space"?Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-79432460942174540432007-07-13T20:30:00.000-07:002007-07-15T22:02:12.882-07:00Miss AmericaDear Indigna,<br /><br /><a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2007/07/13/2007-07-13_jersey_will_keep_its_miss.html">Amy Polumbo</a>, "Miss New Jersey," gets to keep her crown and compete in the Miss America pageant, despite pictures showing her "boyfriend nuzzl[ing] her bosom." How should I feel about this?<br /><br />Flat-chested<br />Trenton, NJ<br /><br />Dear Flat,<br /><br />Appalled, of course! What national news organization uses the word "bosom"??? That said, there is a perfectly legitimate reason for her boyfriend to be "nuzzling her bosom." He must be a nursling rooting for a meal. Unfortunately, that image does tend to open up a whole other line of disturbance, not the least of which, why would she be lactating if she is a "Miss"?<br /><br />That said, one of the other images in question, that in which the lady "holds up two strategically placed pumpkins"--what's wrong with that? Combined with the previously-discussed image of fertility and lactation, it continues the "Ceres" theme of Woman as the giver of life, sustenance, and the bodacious patooties that make grown men (like Miss New Jersey's boyfriend, if he is indeed not a nursling) want to suckle once again. Furthermore, any other "indiscreet" photos implying procreative activities fit with the trope of the cornucopia of plenty provided by Mother Nature. In my opinion, this astonishingly appropriate, thematically unified photo gallery should guarantee young Miss New Jersey the crown!Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-7339439538221462912007-06-03T20:52:00.000-07:002007-06-03T21:18:14.835-07:00Viz., Loooooozer!Dear Indigna,<br /><br />I just saw a promo for a "reality" TV show called "Cash Cab." Apparently, in Manhattan, if you happen to get into the wrong taxi the driver might ask you an esoteric, recondite question and if you provide the wrong answer, you are put on the curb! What if you are in labor???<br /><br />Super-preggers<br />NY, NY<br /><br />Dear self-described "Super,"<br /><br />Lady, if you can't define "<span style="font-style: italic;">videlicet</span>" and give its common abbreviation and etymology while in transitional labor, well (heh heh heh) you just aren't fit to have a child in Manhattan now are you? Hey, no one asked you to go for the big time! Now that you live here, you better buck up or back out! <br /><br />Here's how it works here. If you aren't teaching your child ancient Greek in the womb via <span style="font-style: italic;">Babelophonics</span> (my award-winning pre-partum language learning system), you can just kiss the 92nd Street Y preschool goodbye right now. And if your child isn't born speaking fluent Latin? Forget the Ivy League. I mean forever. Unless you teach your child how to "revise" a popular novel enough to get his or her own "coming-of-age novel" published, preferably by the age of eight. Or, if you want a shortcut, immediately sell your child into indentured servitude so as to create the background for a "stand-out" college essay. <br /><br />At any rate, it sounds like you have work to do. Get off your ass! Otherwise your child will become a homeless grade-school drop-out with an apple-juice problem!!Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-14025201346552033212007-05-28T22:09:00.000-07:002007-07-19T07:28:34.747-07:00Revisionist HistoryDear <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Indigna</span>,<br /><br />I just read a book which said cavemen tamed and rode dinosaurs. It said scientists found ancient leather saddles in a cave in France. Is this true?<br /><br />Confused Christian<br />Live Oak, FL<br /><br />Dear Confused (I'd hate to call you a "Christian" given your doubts!),<br /><br />Well, <span style="font-style: italic;">DUH</span>! Perhaps <span style="font-style: italic;">someone </span>who <span style="font-style: italic;">claims</span> to be a<span style="font-style: italic;"> Christian </span>needs to visit the new <a href="http://www.answersingenesis.org/museum/walkthrough/">Creation Museum</a> in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Petersburg</span>, KY! (But please don't use the demeaning epithet "cavemen." We prefer to be called "humans.")<br /><br />If humans and dinosaurs didn't coexist, how can this definitive museum prove that dinosaurs may be responsible for the Flood. Huh? Huh? Well, it's because "<a href="http://www.answersingenesis.org/docs/2.asp">maybe dinosaurs had started killing other animals and humans</a>," thus explaining why <span style="font-style: italic;">they got what they deserved!!</span><br /><br />(BTW, this punishment of God for flesh-eating in no way means humans ought to stop eating the delicious carnivorous offerings of our devout brothers at <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In-N-Out_Burger#Bible_references">In-N-Out Burger</a> and <a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/article735109.ece">Domino's Pizza.)</a><br /><br />The Museum also shows that, at the time of the Flood, Noah <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">obediantly</span> took on two of each of the "<a href="http://www.answersingenesis.org/docs/2.asp">fewer than 50 kinds of dinosaurs</a>." Now, how do we know there were so few kinds? Well, "there are certainly hundreds of dinosaur names, but many of these were given to just a bit of bone or skeletons of the same dinosaur found in other countries. It is also reasonable to assume that different sizes, varieties, and sexes of the same kind of dinosaur have ended up with different names."<br /><br />Leaving unanswered, as does the Museum, the question of why any animals other than carnivorous dinosaurs survived the Ark, why are there no longer any dinosaurs? Well, after the Flood subsided all the prey of those dinosaurs had been drowned (or eaten on the Ark, I guess). The <a href="http://www.answersingenesis.org/docs/2.asp">museum folks</a> also think it's possible that Noah and his clan went to all that trouble to preserve and pacify the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">dinos</span> on the Ark in order to enjoy a little post-catastrophe sport. Nothing raises the spirits like hunting dinosaurs to extinction! Good times!<br /><br />What about carbon-14 dating? Well, let's listen to what the <a href="http://www.answersingenesis.orghttp//www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif/docs2002/carbon_dating.asp">Christian experts</a> have to say about this ludicrous idea!<br /><blockquote>The rate of decay of <sup>14</sup>C is such that half of an amount will convert back to <sup>14</sup>N in 5,730 years (plus or minus 40 years). This is the ‘half-life.’ So, in two half-lives, or 11,460 years, only one-quarter will be left. Thus, if the amount of <sup>14</sup>C relative to <sup>12</sup>C in a sample is one-quarter of that in living organisms at present, then it has a theoretical age of 11,460 years. Anything over about 50,000 years old, should theoretically have no detectable <sup>14</sup>C left. That is why radiocarbon dating cannot give millions of years. In fact, if a sample contains <sup>14</sup>C, it is good evidence that it is <i>not</i> millions of years old.</blockquote><blockquote></blockquote>Now that's some good Christian Mathematics! (I just wish they had explained how, if the Earth is 6,000 years old, anything could potentially be 11,460-50,000 years-old . . .)<br /><br />Another misconception the good people of the Creation Museum clear up is the notion that "black people [are] the result of a <a href="http://www.answersingenesis.org/home/area/oneBlood/chapter6.asp">curse on Ham</a>" (one of the sons of Noah). As they explain, this is clearly nonsense spread by those heathens, the <a href="http://www.answersingenesis.org/home/area/oneBlood/chapter6.asp">Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses</a>. Instead, a close reading of the proper translation of "the Bible seems to indicate, in Genesis 9:22, that when Ham was disrespectful to his father Noah, this involved some sort of <a href="http://www.answersingenesis.org/home/area/oneBlood/chapter6.asp">sexual connotation</a>." I'll say! Here's the passage in question [warning: contains graphic sexual innuendo and is inappropriate for anyone who expects to go to Heaven]:<br /><blockquote>And [Noah] drank of the wine and was drunk. And he was uncovered inside his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside.</blockquote>Whew! Give me a cold shower! So there you have it. Skin color is the punishment for Ham's deeply hidden, cleverly elided homosexual incestuous impulses, as brilliantly discovered by these Christian scientists. [<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Indigna</span>: Hey folks, I wish I were making this shit up. I really do.]<br /><br />Finally, the Museum definitively answers a popular conundrum: if only the children of Adam and Eve existed, "<a href="http://www.answersingenesis.org/home/area/tools/cains_wife.asp">who was Cain's wife</a>?" Well, here's the solution. Since Adam and Eve were perfect, '<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">cuz</span> God didn't make no junk until after the Fall, then the first children are also near-perfect, and could legitimately marry their siblings without fear of "genetic defects." It is only since the Fall (contrary to popular belief, this was clearly <span style="font-style: italic;">way<span style="font-style: italic;"> </span></span>after Eve had given birth to a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">buncha</span> kids who could legitimately . . . you know . . . <span style="font-style: italic;">do</span> each other) that people have become imperfect, more so with each generation, thus requiring the relatively new-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">fangled</span> "incest taboo."<br /><br />(Warning: any Museum visitor who is moved by this information to wonder if so-called Original Sin wasn't committed by Adam and Eve but actually by Cain and, you know, his sister? or something? will be escorted to the nearest exit by armed security.)<br /><br />So there you are, "Christian"! Get thee to the Creation Museum and embrace its truths unquestioningly, and be quick about it before the Rapture vacuums up all your friends and family while you just stand there with nothing but your intellectual curiosity.Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-86828299842104203372007-05-28T21:26:00.000-07:002007-05-29T19:25:02.372-07:00MathematicsDear Indigna,<br /><br />Recently, <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070528/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush_s_reality;_ylt=AocBqEQjPoTQePVlasHWJcXMWM0F">President Bush</a> insisted, all evidence to the contrary, that the majority of Americans support his war effort and that the overwhelming defeat of the Republican party last November for control of Congress simply indicated that the American people wanted "a change in our strategy in Iraq" rather than withdrawal. He calls the 63% of Americans who support troop withdrawal "a handful." What is he smoking, and where can I get some?<br /><br />Realist<br />Stats Island, NY<br /><br />Dear Unrealist,<br /><br />Oh come on! We all know that so-called "math" isn't the President's strong suit! Sixty-three, schmixty-three! He clearly understands that an even <span style="font-style: italic;">larger</span> percentage of Americans -- maybe as many as <span style="font-style: italic;">ninety percent</span>! -- actually<span style="font-style: italic;"> favor</span> his policy of killing more Iraqis. As I understand it, ninety is more than sixty-three, and President Bush has issued an Executive Order determining that the definition of "a handful" is "anything less than ninety percent." Thus, sixty-three percent is, like, a <span style="font-style: italic;">tiny</span> handful!<br /><br />Furthermore, we all know that Father Knows Best, and President Bush's strong suit clearly is as a Father, as evidenced by the fine behavior of his perfect daughters. So, as every parent knows, when the American people (i.e., adolescent children in W.'s mind) say, "we hate what you're doing," that just means you're doing the right thing! "Vote my people out, will you?" Bush thinks. "Just for that, you'll get another year of time out (i.e., tour extension)!"Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-67444322107040482262007-05-18T17:09:00.000-07:002007-05-29T19:30:32.823-07:00BabelDear Indigna,<br /><br />I am nine years old. My gramma recently took me to her church. This lady there started to speak in tongues. I thought she was having a seizure. I was so scared of this lady that I passed out! Now my gramma wants to take me to church again. I am terrified that I will have to see that scary thing again. Is it okay to tell my gramma I will never go to church again, anywhere, ever again in my entire life because of what I saw?<br /><br />New Atheist<br />Devils Den, CA<br /><br />P.S. I have attached a transcript of what the seizure-lady seemed to be saying.<br /><br />Dear Atheist,<br /><br />Oh grow up! You probably would have fainted if someone had suddenly starting speaking Arabic in your presence (especially if you were on an airplane over the Atlantic). Glossolalia is a perfectly legitimate foreign language, just like Esperanto and Ebonics. The fact that you couldn't understand it intuitively proves that you are a condemned sinner who is perhaps seconds away from being cast into the Lake of Fire, depending on when the Rapture comes.<br /><br />Well, it's no surprise. Look where you live! <span style="font-style: italic;">"Devils Den"!</span> It's clear that your gramma is just trying to save you from burning eternally in Hell with creatures more terrifying than your worst nightmares torturing you continually with white-hot pokers, while Satan sodomizes you with his thorn-bedecked member. BTW, if you don't need a dictionary to understand this fate, there is no hope left for you.<br /><br />That said, I have taken the liberty of translating, as best I could (I'm not "native fluent"), what the Holy Spirit and/or God was saying, in Glossolalia of course, through the medium of your neighboring worshipper:<br /><br />"Margie <span style="font-style: italic;">(presumably your gramma)</span>! What the hell were you thinking bringing that bastard child <span style="font-style: italic;">(you, I guess)</span> into My house? Didn't you realize that her biological father is actually Sam, from Accounting? And don't get Me started on her own behavior! Have you seen the girl's room??? And just last week she called little Billy Budumbump a "poopyhead." Clearly, <span style="font-style: italic;">I </span>can never be Her Father after all that. In fact, I'm going to bump up the Rapture just so you and I, My sweet, sweet Margie, can enjoy all the pleasures of [censored] as all the others suffer 1,000 years of . . . hold on . . . oh . . . oh wait, I gotta take this, it's My wife. Catch you later."Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-7893877660833760522007-05-06T07:49:00.000-07:002007-05-06T21:22:19.406-07:00Focus!Dear Indigna,<br /><br />My firm was recently hired to run a focus group to evaluate some products. My job was to recruit participants. Yet I could not get a single soccer mom to participate, even though I told them they could keep whichever of the sex toys they liked best! What was my mistake? Should I have offered them <span style="font-style: italic;">two</span> vibrators? The dildo of their choice? What is the going price for a suburban stay-at-home mom to be videotaped "testing" the Orgasminator?<br /><br />Frustrated (but Satisfied)<br />Berkeley, CA<br /><br />Dear Cheapskate,<br /><br />Why should you have all the fun? If these ladies are going to be enticed to star in your video they should at least get scale or a percent of the back-end--no pun intended! But I think your biggest mistake here is in thinking you're going to get so-called "accurate" information from this focus group. These ladies fake orgasms for <span style="font-style: italic;">complete economic support.</span> What makes you think you'll get the real thing in exchange for a lousy plastic toy that makes even worse noises than their husbands?<br /><br />As for me, I was recently paid $150 to test an ass-cleaning device, but then again, I'm a whore.Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-17376233068061900962007-04-18T17:15:00.000-07:002007-04-20T12:33:27.767-07:00Medical Malpractice?Dear Indigna,<br /><br />Today the Supreme Court ruled that "intact dilation and extraction" (aka "partial birth abortion") is <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070418/ap_on_go_su_co/scotus_abortion;_ylt=Ai9tVXL91RtmIStzwwwvcRCs0NUE">"<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">never </span>medically necessary"</a> (emphasis mine) and so a federal law making that medical procedure illegal, with no exception to preserve the health of the mother, is just okey-dokey.<br /><br />If you could, would you remind me where all the members of Congress and the Supreme Court received their medical degrees? Also, can the lawmakers and Justices share the technology that allows them to accurately foresee the proper treatment of all women's future medical circumstances? 'Cuz, like, if I get cancer or something, I'd like them to tell me what the right course of treatment is so I can avoid anything unpleasant that is not "medically necessary."<br /><br />American Woman<br />Medical Lake, WA<br /><br />Dear Woman,<br /><br />You have obviously been brainwashed by the medical-industrial complex into thinking that medicine is "difficult" or "situation specific." Ever heard of <span style="font-style: italic;">medical malpractice</span>?? Huh? Huh? Obviously, doctors sometimes make <span style="font-style: italic;">mistakes</span>, unlike the United States Congress and the U.S. Supreme Court!<span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><br />So in their infinite wisdom, untainted by the doomsday mindset of the medical community, these lawmakers understand that a woman whose fetus suffers from hydrocephalus is far better off waiting full-term to deliver a non-viable child via C-section whose head is 250% larger than normal, even if it means major abdominal surgery, than she would be undergoing the outlawed procedure. And, rather than trying to provide the parents with an intact body to hold and bury, isn't it far more moral to dismember the fetus in utero, no matter what damage is done to the woman's body, so as to maximize the parents' guilt and horror when they are handed a blanket full of body parts to snuggle? And the family of a woman suffering life-threatening late-pregnancy complications? Where do they get off, when the Bush Administration has determined that she's better off dead as long as the child lives a few minutes or hours? Or suppose she is carrying a fetus with fatal chromosomal abnormalities? Who do her family think they are?! Who died and made <span style="font-style: italic;">them</span> God, huh? (Whereas we all know that God Himself has appointed George W. Bush "the Decider.")<br /><br />Now, for you so-called <span style="font-style: italic;">liberals</span> out there, listen up--even Hollywood has endorsed this view! Why, just last week MTV broadcast the third-season premiere of "<a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18108877/site/newsweek/">Run's House</a>," a reality-"sitcom," in which the real-life main character's real-life wife gave real birth to a real baby with a real chromosomal defect that had been detected after the twentieth week of gestation. Because the real-life couple did not believe in termination, the real baby died in real-life on reality TV just a few hours after birth, providing a no-doubt gripping, "very special" TV moment when the baby's five real-life siblings, who had not been informed of the problem, were filmed being told of the death. Since a <span style="font-style: italic;">Hollywood</span> couple made that choice, ought we not to mandate it for all couples facing the same situation? After all, they probably know at least as well as Congress and the Supremes what is best for all of us medically.<br /><br />I look forward to the continuing tenure of this Supreme Court, when they take up such issues as whether or not people should be allowed to have a vasectomy, and whether or not a breast cancer patient should have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy, and if the latter, whether or not she should be allowed to have breast reconstruction. Perhaps, at some point, they will even address the question of which doctor each person in the U.S. can see, and, most importantly, whether or not we should imprison parents who give their children <a href="http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/STDFact-HPV-vaccine.htm">Gardasil</a>, the cervical cancer vaccine, or for that matter, any preventative against sexually transmitted diseases (like, say, a non-abstinence-based sex ed class).Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-59005421184554897422007-04-09T19:34:00.000-07:002007-04-09T19:35:33.572-07:00Gotcha!Dear Indigna,<br /><br />How can Attorney General Alberto Gonzales continue to insist that he was not involved in the politcally-motivated purge of federal prosecutors in the face of overwhelming evidence that he was at all the meetings?<br /><br />I Give Up<br />What Cheer, IA<br /><br />Dear Quitter,<br /><br />You are obviously under the mistaken impression, common among high school and college students, that just showing up counts as "participation." Attorney General Gonzales' <span style="font-style: italic;">body</span> may have been present, but prove to me that he wasn't text-messaging house pages under the table, playing blackjack on his phone, or just watching the latest episode of "Lost" on his iPod! <span style="font-style: italic;">♫Gotcha♪♫</span>! You can only prove he wasn't doing that if you have <span style="font-style: italic;">actual video</span> taken from <span style="font-style: italic;">under the table</span>, showing the <span style="font-style: italic;">screen(s) of his electronic device(s)</span>! HA!Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-54804713636129181322007-04-06T05:33:00.000-07:002007-04-06T02:02:34.272-07:00Dog ControlDear Indigna,<br /><br />I understand that Texas may finally implement a tougher <a href="http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-dogbite31mar31,1,1745624.story">"vicious dog" law</a>. Up until now, a dog's "first bite" was passed off as canine exhuberance or something, and if the animal killed someone the crime was treated as a misdemeanor. Isn't it about time we moved to protect innocent people from out-of-control pets?<br /><br />Relieved<br />Dallas, TX<br /><br />Dear Animal-Hater,<br /><br />I vehemently oppose any additional dog control laws. Dogs don't kill people, people kill people. Except when their dog does it, in which case the people should be off the hook. Listen, once we start passing laws that penalize pet owners for allowing their pit bull-Rottweiler guard dog pack to roam the streets at will, protecting their homeowner-masters from any random threat posed by elderly ladies or deceptively "innocent" children, who knows how far down the slippery slope we will fall? Will we regulate the number of pet rats, guinea pigs, and hamsters one can keep, lest they decide to rise up en masse and slaughter their human overlords? Should I be prohibited from raising black cats to prevent them from committing witchcraft to ensure my neighbor has hung his last windchime? Shall we throw people in jail just because their python swallowed some threatening infant? If we outlaw guard pets, only outlaws will have guard pets.<br /><br />In fact, I support a concealed pet permit, to allow law-abiding homeowners to protect their families and themselves by carrying a guard pet in their purse, pocket or holster at all times. People get robbed at ATMs and other public places all the time. That would never happen if people could carry a miniature Dobermain. Whip that puppy out and it's game over, bad guy!Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-15530896878829426482007-04-05T23:44:00.000-07:002007-04-05T09:13:23.768-07:00An Immodest ProposalDear Indigna,<br /><br />Our local high school participates in a "teen pregnancy prevention program" that provides girls--but not boys, of course--with an animatronic "baby" that cries, spits up, poops and pees, and generally acts alarmingly like a real baby, while recording how the "mom" responds to it. The girls are instructed to care for the child for a week or so, and are "graded" on their quality of care.<br /><br />Putting aside the fact that this program teaches boys that they are completely off the hook, here's my problem with it: recently one of these teens had an accident on the freeway because her "baby" started "crying" while she was driving, leading her to drive off the road or just abandon the wheel and turn around or something of the sort. In another instance, a teenager with one of these "babies" disrupted a ballet performance that cost my husband and me $100 a ticket (no doubt the reason the teen <span style="font-style: italic;">and her mother</span> (!!) failed to leave the performance)! We've also been traumatized in movie theaters by these "babies" whose "mothers" feel absolutely no obligation to leave the premises to "comfort" the little plastic monsters.<br /><br />Are these programs even effective? What can be done to replace them with a program that does not make everyone in the vicinity suffer from the incompetence of the teen "mother," who, without the benefit of hormones, instinct, or any real consequences obviously has no motivation to act "motherly"?<br /><br />Enraged Grandma<br />Cranks, KY<br /><br />Dear Granny,<br /><br />The obvious solution is sitting right there in front of you! It's both more effective and more economical than the undoubtedly astronomically expensive "babies" that are currently used. Listen, aren't a lot of babies abandoned each year? Give those babies out to teens (girls <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> boys) to nurture--for, say, six months or so. That will give the teens the real world experience of chronic diarrhea, colic, seizures from cocaine withdrawal, dropping out of school, and applying for welfare. I predict a 100% graduation rate for these teens once the babies are relinquished to foster parents who will care even less about them.<br /><br />If sufficient numbers of abandoned babies are not available, hold all-night alcohol-fueled raves at the high school. Combined with "abstinence-only" sex ed, this should result in a greatly increased supply of babies, which can then be requisitioned to provide important "abstinence" lessons to the student body.<br /><br />Foster care too crowded? Too many babies have "aged out"? I have a suggestion that can provide a much-needed revenue stream for cash-strapped public school districts. Did you know that there is an active market for babies in many countries, both for children or spare parts? For more suggestions, see Jonathan Swift's definitive essay, "<a href="http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html">A Modest Proposal</a>."Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-48188607802346815472007-04-02T23:37:00.000-07:002007-04-02T21:47:37.316-07:00XenolexaphobiaDear Indigna,<br /><br />Recently an Aryan German judge in <a href="http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=FB0616FF3E540C708EDDAA0894DF404482">Germany</a> denied a "speedy divorce" to a German-born Muslim woman who was savagely beaten by her Moroccan husband, on the basis that wife-beating is "common" in Moroccan culture and the Quran specifically condones wife-beating.<br /><br />Whaaaa?<br /><br />Frightened Wife<br />Munich, DE<br /><br />Dear "Wife,"<br /><br />What kind of xenophobic bigot are you? How can you say that German law trumps the law of the culture that the predecessors of the husband of the person in question come from? For example, in the <a href="http://www.re-quest.net/g2g/historical/laws/hammurabi/index.htm">Code of Hammurabi</a>, the losing plaintiff in a lawsuit should be put to death. Would you deny this satisfaction to the descendant or family of a descendant of a Babylonian? Similarly for <a href="http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/english/doc/2004-05/17/content_331252.htm">"thousands of years"</a> in ancient China the entire family of a criminal would be put to death. Don't we owe that much to a crime victim of Chinese ancestry?<br /><br />Suppose you are sentenced to death in the United States and your (or your blood relative's) forefathers came from either Great Britain or France. Ought you not to be judged by the <a href="http://www.re-quest.net/g2g/historical/laws/conqueror/index.htm">Laws of William the Conqueror</a>, rather than the barbaric laws of the U.S.A.? W. the C. forbade execution, decreeing rather the far more palatable punishment that the felon's "eyes be put out and let him be castrated. And this command shall not be violated under pain of a fine in full to me" (or, since he's been dead for like, 950 years, to Queen Elizabeth, I guess. Or would she have to share it with Tony Blair, or something? <span style="font-style: italic;">Or might it be payable to</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> French PM Dominique de Villepin?</span> I smell a lawsuit!</span>).<br /><br />And how about if thy Jewish neighbor hath spotted thee a fiver now and then? Or even given you a mortgage on your house? If you are of English extraction, ought not that Jewish debt (but none of the others, of course) be discharged upon thy death, per the <a href="http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/medieval/magframe.htm">Magna Carta</a>?<br /><br />What about this guy <a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4629320">Warren Jeffs</a>, the polygamist who is being prosecuted--I mean <span style="font-style: italic;">persecuted</span>, of course--for marrying his 10- and 12-year-old daughters to 65-year-old "elders." Who are we to trample on his free expression of religion? Not to mention free commerce--the guy has, like, 50 wives! Do you have any idea how many children he probably has? Neither does anyone else, but no one seems to want to take the boys off his hands so he has no choice but to foist the girls off onto willing partners, and basically no one is interested once they start to "develop," if you know what I mean. It's both a religious <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> business transaction! What's not to like?<br /><br />Think about it. Ought we not all have the right to be judged by the laws upon which our forefathers' forefathers' culture was based, no matter how ancient and "inconvenient"? Sure, some of us have "cultural backgrounds" that encompass two, three, ten, even dozens of other cultures. Don't you think the first job of a judge should be to parse all those strands and cherry-pick which bits of each ancient legal system (there really aren't that many, if you go back far enough) should supercede the contemporary law of the nation in question?Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-76263571377986330772007-04-01T20:34:00.000-07:002007-04-02T05:21:37.351-07:00Rush to JudgementDear Indigna,<br /><br />Isn't it just <span style="font-style: italic;">awful</span> how John Edwards is choosing to continue his presidential candidacy despite his wife's recurrence of cancer? I'm with <a href="http://mediamatters.org/items/200703230015">Rush Limbaugh and Chris Matthews</a> and other decent Americans: these folks are "announcing" her "cancer recurrence" just to see how it plays in the polls! They should be ashamed! Ought they not instead to leave the race and spend her remaining days weeping and rending their garments? And let some healthy Republican like John McCain win the race?<br /><br />True Red Dittohead<br />Athol, MA<br /><br />Dear Ditto,<br /><br />I agree completely. This is why I am completely flummoxed by Tony Snow's insistence that he plans to "<a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/03/27/politics/main2611921.shtml">return to work</a>" as soon as possible, despite his <span style="font-style: italic;">own</span> metastatic recurrence of cancer. I'm even more discombobulated by the lack of a public outcry about Snow's intent. Don't these people know that when cancer recurs the public expects them to retire hopelessly to a monastic hospice far from our squeamish view, to languish and suffer and, eventually, who knows how many years or decades hence, perish in complete anonymity? Don't they know that their illness and the public's opinion about how it ought to be handled should dictate how they live their lives? Who are these people to decide what to do about their diagnosis without consulting the public? (Oh wait--isn't that what Rush's criticism just suggested they are doing?)Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-76958112331303435972007-04-01T19:19:00.000-07:002007-04-01T20:29:08.677-07:00Enjoy a Better Fit With a Bias Cut!Dear Indigna,<br /><br />So I see that once again a government official has been caught <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/29/AR2007032902003.html">altering</a> scientific reports to suit the needs of the Bush Administration. Remind me again why we have not removed all of these charlatans from office?<br /><br />Responsible Landowner<br />Roosevelt Lake, AZ<br /><br />Dear Traitor to Your Country,<br /><br />See, that's the problem with you "reality-based" people. You just don't get it! <span style="font-style: italic;">Of course</span> the Bush Administration puts people with <span style="font-style: italic;">absolutely no education or experience</span> in positions such as this. If this woman were a scientist, she'd be <span style="font-style: italic;">biased</span> by all the science-type so-called "fact," "evidence" and "research" propaganda she would have been exposed to! Since she has <span style="font-style: italic;">absolutely no background</span> in biology, ecology, or any other science that could remotely be useful in making decisions in her current capacity, <span style="font-style: italic;">she is completely unbiased</span>! She is able to make decisions based entirely on politically expediency <span style="font-style: italic;">without the slightest twinge of guilt</span>! Or even understanding of the consequences of her actions! DUH!!!Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-73537813685011264662007-03-31T22:02:00.000-07:002007-03-31T22:12:05.671-07:00Breed Between the LinesDear Indigna,<br /><br />On <a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9083208">NPR</a> this morning I heard a story about a hog-farming community in Minnesota whose town council unanimously approved a resolution supporting the pending <a href="http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d110:h.r.00808:">Congressional bill</a> to create a federal "Department of Peace," whose purpose would be to promote creative non-violent conflict resolution as an alternative to war. Such a department would strive to keep the U.S. from getting into situations like the one we're in now in the Middle East.<br /><br />Two weeks later, after hearing from the community, the council rescinded that resolution on the grounds that, among other things, it would cede U.S. sovereignty to the United Nations, give victory to the Communists, and perhaps most importantly, would make us look like "a bunch of wusses." Upon being interviewed, the councilmembers were unable to identify the language in the bill that gave the U.N. power over the U.S., even after reading it over with the journalist, but nevertheless insisted that it is "in there."<br /><br />My question is, can these people be considered literate? And, insofar as they are afraid of "Communists," is it possible that this Minnesota county is located in some sort of anomaly in the space-time continuum that has trapped the society in the Cold War era while the rest of the world has moved on, much as Arizona stays on "regular time" while the rest of the country "springs forward" with daylight savings?<br /><br />Grade School Graduate<br />Hog Wallow, AR<br /><br />Dear so-called "Grad-you-ate" (like that make yew better'n folk),<br /><br />Well, your questions are just silly. Of course these Patriots is literate, in fact they's more literate then that there reporter because they can understand the meaning of the bill better than him. Just because something don't <span style="font-style: italic;">type something out in so many words</span> don't mean it ain't in there. The fact that this "congressman" hid his meaning in words that did not mean what it means just proves that he is a Communist and wants to destroy his own country for unknown and mysterious Communist-type reasons.<br /><br />The important question here is, would the creation of a "Department of Peace" mean we are a country of pussies? All you have to do is to ask the ladies. Women find nothing manlier or sexier than a guy who can drop cluster bombs and white phosphorus on a wedding party or grammar school without turning a hair. Want to prove you've got a big Dick? Get him to help you invade an unarmed, economically crippled country that poses no threat to you. Help him expose and end the career of a woman whose only crime is being married to a guy who dissed you. (Plus, it's so much easier to beat up on a woman than a man. Chicks dig guys with the balls to pick on them.)Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-7676477036706279062007-03-20T11:16:00.000-07:002007-03-20T19:23:29.819-07:00Miracle SuitDear Indigna,<br /><br />I just read in the <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/retail/2007-02-19-multicultural_x.htm">news</a> this morning about new swimwear that allows observant Muslim women like myself the ability to swim, surf, or even scuba dive while preserving my modesty and virginity. Is it true? Can I actually go to the beach without, as the article said, attracting "the unwanted looks of men"?<br /><br />Hopeful<br />San Clemente, CA<br /><br />Dear Hopeful,<br /><br />Yes! It's true! These new "miracle suits" render you virtually invisible to men, therefore drastically reducing their otherwise inevitable attempts to rape you. Yet this miracle suit also allows women to see you and thus avoid crashing into you on their surfboards!<br /><br />As for modesty? Nothing is more modest than a pair of wet nylon pants and a soaking Lycra tee, especially when paired with a "swim scarf" to cover your hair. Furthermore, it's nearly impossible to imagine anyone noticing a woman cavorting in the surf in an aqua and purple sequined polyester jogging suit, worn under a skirt, with a hot pink <span style="font-style: italic;">hijab</span> billowing in the breeze.Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-21867366381873950802007-03-19T11:27:00.000-07:002007-03-19T15:28:16.877-07:00IntrepidityDear Indigna,<br /><br />I just read that a <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2007/LAW/02/27/baby.downpayment.ap/index.html">woman</a> traded her five-month-old infant for a down-payment on a used Dodge Intrepid!!!!! <span style="font-style: italic;">A down-payment!</span> How much was a Dodge Intrepid worth even new? Even the most top-of-the-line used Intrepid in great shape goes for around <a href="http://www.kbb.com/KBB/UsedCars/PricingReport.aspx?ManufacturerId=13&YearId=2004&VehicleClass=UsedCar&VehicleId=My8xOC8yMDA3fDIyNTQ%3d&amp;amp;amp;PriceType=Private+Party&ModelId=333&Mileage=47000&SelectionHistory=2254%7c3115%7c94526%7c0%7c0%7c&Condition=Excellent&QuizConditions=0">$10,000</a> at best. How much do you think the chick agreed to pay for the car? Do you think she got ripped off? I'm new to the city and in the market for a used car and it sounds like it's going to cost me a lot more than I thought--and I don't have anything to trade like she did.<br /><br />Need a Ride<br />Los Angeles, CA<br /><br />Dear Needy,<br /><br />Listen, things are just a lot more expensive in LA. If you want to live in La-La-Land, you gotta be willing to pony up. I don't know how much this particular broad may have agreed to pay for the car but look at the deal this way: a five-month-old can't even sit up yet, much less get its mom to work. Whereas, a car is transportation, a home, even a place of business if you're in the right "profession." If you factor in the rents in this city, the deal this lady struck is starting to look pretty bold, daring, creative, even, dare I say it, <span style="font-style: italic;">intrepid<span style="font-style: italic;">?</span></span><span><span> <br /></span></span>Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-41027669434588822422007-03-17T19:18:00.000-07:002007-03-18T19:15:05.464-07:00Confession is Good for the TerroristDear Indigna,<br /><br />This guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, has purportedly "<a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/bloomberg/20070315/pl_bloomberg/avn8ianwxli_1">confessed</a>" to being the mastermind behind pretty much every major terrorist event prior to his capture in 2003. Given this clear evidence to the contrary, how can the Bush administration keep a straight face while continuing to insist that torture (such as they used on "KSM") does not result in false confessions?<br /><br />Beyond Caring<br />Carefree, IN<br /><br />Dear Careless,<br /><br />I am shocked--shocked!--that you would impugn the integrity of such a clearly accomplished man. Yeah, yeah, he's an accomplished <span style="font-style: italic;">terrorist</span>--he's still gotten a lot more done than you ever will in your lifetime! Let the man brag.<br /><br />But wouldn't you agree that, if you confess to something that doesn't make the papers, you <span style="font-style: italic;">must</span> be telling the truth? See if you still question his honesty after I share with you some of the "throwaway" confessions that the federal government didn't even think were spectacular enough to share with us! Here's just a taste:<br /><ul><li>He is the real Zodiac killer.</li><li>Jimmy Hoffa is under the new bathroom in his Baghdad <span style="font-style: italic;">pied-à-terre</span>.</li><li>DNA proves that he is the father of Anna Nicole's baby.</li><li>His proudest moment? Getting that whole JFK thing pinned on Lee Harvey Oswald.</li></ul>These, my friend, are the confessions of an honest man. Who else would expect to be believed?Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-75338718118649024362007-03-16T13:49:00.000-07:002007-04-01T00:56:59.183-07:00Vacation ParadiseDear Indigna,<br /><br />Wasn't Joseph Wilson's <a href="http://select.nytimes.com/search/restricted/article?res=F30D12F7355E0C758CDDAE0894DB404482">trip to Niger</a>, where he claimed to debunk the fact that Iraq tried to buy uranium there, just a junket? His wife probably gave the trip to him for their anniversary or something. What a waste of taxpayer money! We coulda spent that money on MREs or body bags or something.<br /><br />Armchair General<br />War, WV<br /><br />Dear General,<br /><br />Yes, a Niger vacation would be an excellent gift. Few travel destinations are more coveted than this West African nation. Roughly twice the size of Texas, it boasts a bountiful landscape of sand, some of it <a href="http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://herve.marchand1.free.fr/Niger/Dunes/Niger164a.jpg&imgrefurl=http://herve.marchand1.free.fr/Niger/Dunes/dunes.html&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;h=600&w=800&sz=49&hl=en&start=1&tbnid=yjWcDUREH88OsM:&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;tbnh=107&tbnw=143&prev=/images%3Fq%3DNiger%2Bdunes%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26rls%3Den%26sa%3DG%29">flat</a> and some of it in rolling, blowing, creeping <a href="http://herve.marchand1.free.fr/Niger/Dunes/Niger164a.jpg">dune</a> form. And unlike some of its neighbors (and they know who they are) it is not currently roiling with violence--in fact, it hasn't experienced a military coup in something like <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">eight years</a>!<br /><br />Niger is a sun-worshipper's <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">dream</a> because it boasts some of the highest temperatures and lowest levels of rainfall on earth--perfect for burnishing that summer glow. Be careful not to stroke out! If you visit between September and March you might even enjoy a dip in the <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">Niger River</a>, since it often has water in it then. When you're done "swimming" or, as the locals call it, "mucking about," you can visit the capital's museum and zoo, also known as "<a href="http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g293823-d480712-Reviews-National_Museum_of_Niger_Musee_National_du_Niger-Niamey.html">the home of sad animals</a>."<br /><br />Although Niger has the highest i<a href="http://www.savethechildren.org/publications/mothers/2006/SOWM_2006_final.pdf%29">nfant mortality rate</a> in the world (about <a href="http://www.unicef.org/infobycountry/niger.html">25%</a> before age 5 ), that's okay because it also has one of the highest fertility rates in the world too, with <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">nearly 8</a> births per woman. And since only <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">70,000</a> of its people are salaried workers while the other <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">12.5 million</a> are subsistence farmers on the <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">11%</a> of the country that is arable, you can bet yer law-of-supply-and-demand that there are some whopping good bargains to be had in the marketplace! Since the average age of the citizenry is around <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">16</a> and life expectancy is <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">less than 44 years</a>, you're unlikely to encounter crowds of adults at your hotels and nightclubs, and you'll have plenty of privacy during your vacation since <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">less than 18%</a> of the population is literate--simply write notes for secure and convenient communications, especially if for some reason you cannot locate one of the country's <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">24,000</a> landline telephones. You can hardly expect a lot of traffic jams on Niger's whopping <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">3600 km</a> of paved roadways, and imagine the thrill of a lifetime that you will experience if your plane lands at a destination that does not happen to boast one of the <a href="https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ng.html">three paved runways</a> capable of handling an international flight!<br /><br />The capital of Niger, Niamey, offers at least five hotels, and you can see photos of the spectacular accomodations <a href="http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviewImages-g293823-d480714-rb0-Hotel_Gaweye-Niamey.html">here</a>, <a href="http://www.hobotraveler.com/blogphotos/blog185sept11_26nigernomadtenfrontview.jpg">here</a>, and <a href="http://www.hobotraveler.com/182middleeast2005/00937.jpg">here</a>. The incredibly exciting menu at the Grand Hotel du Niger's restaurant apparently offers not only salad but also chicken, mutton, and an exotic delicacy described by one <a href="http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g293823-d480713-r3104421-Grand_Hotel_du_Nige-Niamey.html">reviewer</a> as "some other <a href="http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.paru.cas.cz/structure/lpf/images/Pseudophyllidea/Atlantic%2520072%2520%2520C%2520niger.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.paru.cas.cz/structure/lpf/images/Pseudophyllidea/page_01.htm&amp;h=480&w=561&sz=72&hl=en&sig2=GkD0gYlCoK2xt48bUYSZ-g&start=1&um=1&tbnid=AsiuEl-ghGB0GM:&amp;tbnh=114&tbnw=133&ei=XWIPRsrHNsjqiwGa_OilAw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dniger%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DG">meat dish</a> which I did not dare ask about, but it tasted OK." I can't imagine a more romantic and enticing destination!Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-6332967221532636842007-03-16T13:06:00.000-07:002007-03-16T13:49:11.008-07:00Why Not Me ?Dear Indigna,<br /><br />Sounds like <a href="http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/news/politics/16912170.htm">Karl Rove</a> was the mastermind behind the firings of those federal prosecutors who were not deemed "loyal Bushies." In what universe is this legal?<br /><br />Former Federal Prosecutor<br />Seattle, WA<br /><br />Dear Disgruntled Former Employee,<br /><br />As we all know from its having been repeated ad nauseum, federal prosecutors serve "at the pleasure of the president." Since Dick Cheney is down with a blood clot, <span style="font-style: italic;">someone</span> has to be president! Why <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> Karl Rove?Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-17058401779542882007-02-24T22:25:00.000-08:002007-03-16T14:32:07.380-07:00Sub-ZeroDear Indigna,<br /><br />I have this super high-end refrigerator that is two years old. A few days ago I opened the door of the refrigerator and it fell off! I mean, the freaking refrigerator door simply disconnected itself from the body of the machine and fell into my arms, threatening, if I were to drop all 300 pounds of it, to crush my feet and/or those of any children who were unfortunate enough to be near me. The company promised my repair guy that they would overnight a new hinge (a <span style="font-style: italic;">recall</span> item, if only they had bothered to tell me!) to my house. That was four days ago so far!<br /><br />My question is, would I be in violation of any laws if I were to go to the home of the President of the company and throw all my rotted food at him as he leaves for work Monday morning? Also, can you help me find his home address, and the names of the schools his children attend?<br /><br />Left Holding the Door<br />Cool, CA<br /><br />Dear Left,<br /><br />"Would I be in violation of any laws if I were to go to the home of the President of the company and throw all my rotted food at him as he leaves for work Monday morning?" No, of course not! Didn't you see my earlier posting, <a href="http://askindigna.blogspot.com/2007/01/forgive-us-our-trespasses.html">Forgive Us Our Trespasses</a>? According to the legal analysis of my trustworthy correspondant, you're perfectly welcome to go anywhere in anybody's yard and vandalize it however you want, since yards are, according to his reading of the law, "open space." As long as you're outside the house, fire away with confidence!<br /><br />"Can you help me find his home address, and the names of the schools his children attend?" Yes, I'll email that info to you as soon as you tell me this: what the hell did you have in the refrigerator door shelves to make it weigh 300 pounds?Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24358542.post-31489401560505706812007-02-23T15:06:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:43:09.134-08:00Royal Crown CokeheadDear Indigna,<br /><br />The White House is vigorously denying Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/02/19/wh.congress.iraq/index.html">judgement</a> that the current Iraq War is "the worst foreign policy mistake" the U.S. has ever made. I have just one simple question for you. If "Operation Iraqi Freedom" is not the "worst foreign policy mistake" ever, whatever could be?<br /><br />Deeply Troubled<br />Wimauma, FL<br /><br />Dear Troubled,<br /><br />Boy, are you ever! First of all: <span style="font-style: italic;">What</span> foreign policy mistake? How can you deny that the War Against Terror (or whatever) is the most successful foreign policy initiative ever?!? I mean, look at the figures. We "elect" a ticket comprised of two oil men. We then invade and occupy a large swath of the richest oil fields on earth. In short order, our oil companies are making the most obscene profits ever recorded in the history of capitalism! How, in any definition of the term, is that not success??<br /><br />As for your question, I don't know if it counts as <span style="font-style: italic;">foreign</span> policy but undoubtedly the worst policy mistake in the history of the U.S. is probably the institution of this stupid constitutional "democrat-style" government instead of a British-style hereditary monarchy or better yet, a colonial Empire. As everyone knows, even Napoleon, shackled with the misfortune of birth into only the "lesser" nobility, was able to crown himself Emperor in 1805 on the basis of no more than his staggering conquest of the world. Now that's the real American-style, pull-yerself-up-by-yer-privileged- bootstraps, anyone-can-become-a-emperor- given-enough- money-and-the-proper-education Horatio Alger story!<br /><br />With George W. Bush we have a similar leader, likewise handicapped not by birth but by almost universal academic, military and business failure. Like Naploeon, he finds himself leading the most powerful nation in the world (in his case, with no qualifications other than his dynastic family and its immense wealth), and occupying a lot of real estate around the world through military invasion (though, to be fair, Napoleon actually <span style="font-style: italic;">led</span> his troops into battle). Shouldn't we reward these awesome accomplishments with a crown? And he makes such a classic heir apparent! Who better to be our first Emperor than the undereducated, indolent, heavy gambling, half-retarded warmongering son of a former leader?Indignahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15771152369339247305noreply@blogger.com0