Resort Wedding

Dear Indigna,

I am to be married soon, and I already have a conflict with my potential in-laws. We plan to be married within only a few months of our engagement as we have very little money to spend on the wedding so it will be a simple affair with only family in attendance. Please bear in mind that I have not even planned to purchase a wedding gown! Well, imagine my surprise when I announced my engagement to my fiancé’s family and his sister-in-law immediately told all the young girls in the family, “Isn’t that exciting? You’re all going to be flower girls or bridesmaids!” I hadn’t planned on any attendants of any kind since we planned to be married in a simple justice-of-the-peace ceremony at our favorite naturist resort. How do I tell the little girls that they are not, legally, even allowed on the premises?

Exasperated
Nudie Cutie City, NV

Dear “Ex-,”

Well, that is what you’re going to be if you persist in your stuffy attitudes about who gets to plan your wedding! Are you are you actually telling me that you plan to Thwart. Those. Little. Girls’. Dreams. of being flower girls or bridesmaids?? Who “ex”actly do you think you are? Now, what is the objection to including the little darlings? So they’re minors. Surely the wedding venue will make some sort of allowance in their age requirements for such a momentous occasion. Is there any issue of unnaturally early pubic hair, budding breasts, unwarranted modesty or pre-teen pregnancy to make these innocent children an embarrassment to you? Well boo hoo hoo. We’ve all been there. Get over it. The children want to participate, and your planned wedding will be a magical day that they will never forget. If your chosen venue won’t accommodate your nieces and granddaughters, find a nudist resort that will. ‘Nuff said.