Charity Begins at Home

Dear Indigna,

Some Canadian civil servant has launched a website seeking donations to allow him to “retire” and “be a much more pleasant person to be around.” I have no information on the age of the alleged bureaucrat, but I am inclined to believe he is quite young, since the younger generation seem to think they can get something for nothing. What amount of money do you think stupid, deluded people will give this leech?

Disgusted
Bend, OR

Dear Indigna,

I read in Saturday’s Los Angeles Times that Barbara Bush so very generously donated a chunk ‘o change to Hurricane Katrina relief but stipulated that it be ”spent on educational software purchased from her son Neil’s company.” Shouldn’t this be illegal or something?

Honest Taxpayer
Houston, TX


Dear Disgusted and Honest,

I am grouping your letters together because the second solves the problem of the first. As for you, “Honest,” come on and admit it, you’re just peeved that you didn’t think of it first! Not only is this strategy legal, it is the beta-testing program for President Bush’s new Social Security reform. (Part of it is we get rid of that name; “Social Security” sounds really commie, doesn’t it?) Under this plan, everyone who wants to participate makes huge donations to “charity,” but earmarks the money to be spent on goods and services from their own companies. After our tax deduction, our entire income will be effectively completely sheltered, thus freeing up dollars for savings and investments toward retirement. We can finally pay off the mortgage on that private island or small country!

What about those people who don’t itemize or have goods or services to sell? Those people are losers. You’ve gotta get creative people!

As for me, I plan to get one of those no-bid FEMA contracts--I don’t know, maybe by sleeping with Dick Cheney unless I can get away with just letting him shoot me in the face--and then make a colossal donation to hurricane relief, stipulating only that the money be spent exclusively on “Ask Indigna” services and merchandise (at the “premium” no-bid contract prices). I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of anything those poor victims of Katrina and those other hurricanes can use more than my peerless advice.