Guinea Pigs

Dear Indigna,

I’ve tried and tried to make my guinea pigs love me, but I’m not sure they do! I spend $1200 a week buying such things as premium litter for their 450-square-foot enclosure (which I change daily), a selection of organic greens and vegetables, guinea pig “toys” (which they ignore), special guinea pig music, and even guinea pig videos which I play for them on their very own tv (and which they, again, ignore). What am I doing wrong?

Despondant,
Slough, LA

Dear Despondant,

Your mistake is in treating the critters like children instead of rodents. These animals exist in the wild in places like Peru and Ecuador, where they are considered food. I suggest you threaten to return one or more of them to the wild, and explain to them in excruciating detail the fate that awaits them there (spit-roasting, most likely). They should shape up and appreciate you more. The same method works on adolescents. Threaten them with shipping them to Peru or Ecuador, where they will be forced to dine on nothing but their pet guinea pigs. I’ve had great success with this strategy. Especially when you tell them that the natives are hard-pressed to tell the difference between a guinea pig and an adolescent human.