Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Cats

Dear Indigna,
 
I have four cats (no children, except my husband). The cats range in age from 1 year to 13 years old.  ALL the cats are on medication for one thing or another, irritable bowel disease, diabetes, hyperthyroidism, kidney disease. I must administer pills up to three times daily and some cats get multiple pills. Talk about work!  In addition I have a full-time job and must take care of the house, bills (and mounting vet bills), laundry, etc, you get the picture.  My husband works a good wage job and watches TV like a pro. My question is simple: With the strain of cat care, would you think it is justified to quit work? 

P.S. Even Jesus needs medication (he is the youngest cat)

Nursing the Wounded in the South 

Dear Nurse,

I recommend you attack this problem from several fronts. First, you can’t quit your job without replacing that income, so urge your husband, who “watches TV like a pro,” to actually go pro and seek endorsements. Now, you say you live in the South, so it’s probably warm most of the time. He can go shirtless, which gives you a lot of real estate for tattoos, brandings (ha ha, get it?) and other promotional materials. He can sell short-term space (e.g., Sharpie designs) for a slightly lower rate.

The next thing you need to do is take Jesus aside and say, “Look, man. You healed a bunch of sick people in the Bible and they were strangers! These are your brothers and sisters . . . oh, don’t give me that crap about ‘everyone’ being your brother or sister and just hear me out! What I’m trying to say is, ‘Messiah, heal thyself, as well as all the other cats.’” I totally can’t believe you have the son of God right there in the house and you hadn’t thought of this already!

If Jesus, God forbid, fails to heal the sick, tell all the other cats that because He “can’t be bothered,” you’re going to have to start charging them for their care. If they don’t have insurance or can’t afford treatment, well, that’s their problem, isn’t it? They should get jobs if they are so dead set on getting medical attention. This should also serve to put a lot of peer pressure on the Lord.

Finally, if all else fails, tell your husband that all cat care is now his responsibility. Put each putrid corpse on his pillow to make sure he gets the message that this is all his fault. This tactic has the added advantage of caring a high probability of eliminating your husband’s expenses from the household budget.

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