Death Penalty

Dear Indigna,

I am appalled that our country is the only one in the developed world that still executes people! Please help me understand why we continue to impose this immoral and inhumane punishment.

Death Penalty Protester
Folsom, CA


Dear Death,

I’m with you all the way! I oppose the death penalty absolutely. Except in cases where someone in my family or someone I know was the victim of the crime. Then I say, let ‘em fry! Hell, I’ll pull the switch myself! But only if it is a criminal who has harmed my friends or family, or any of their friends or families.

Is it cruel and unusual to execute someone with lethal injection? Absof***inglutely! It’s beyond me how we could sentence anyone to that slow torture, unless they had victimized in any way, say, an actor or actress that I like, or one of my sports heroes. There are also a lot of musicians I’d like to see avenged, if they were assaulted. Like, that Mark Chapman dude, who shot John Lennon? Why he’s still drawing breath is an outrage! I have half a mind to hunt him down myself, and I do mean “hunt” literally, preferably in a heavily wooded escape-proof enclosure with a crossbow.

Other than those exceptions, I am one hundred percent against capital punishment. Of course, if a president I really, really liked, or some great philanthropist, or some noble do-gooder like Mother Teresa, or someone like that who is making the world a better place were to be attacked, stalked, or bothered, I think in that case it would be appropriate to sentence that criminal to, say, stoning, or being drawn and quartered.

So, other than the small number of special circumstances that would warrant special punishment, for the vast majority of capital crimes, I say, end the barbaric practice of execution now!

Oh, and I forgot: abusers of children, or of a friend or family member of one my children’s friends, those guys should be put into a tankful of starving sharks and alligators, preferably on live television.