Husbands

Dear Indigna,

We recently remodeled our house and I’ve been looking forward to redecorating as well. But when I chose a pastel color scheme, my husband hit the roof. What gives?

Spring Is My Season
Boise, Idaho

Dear Spring,

Are you married to a woman? No? Then what were you thinking??? Everyone knows that a man who allows a pastel color scheme in his house is gay. Choose a gray and brown color scheme if you want to save your marriage.

Dear Indigna,

My husband caught me needlepointing a floral pillow cover. When I told him I planned to put the finished pillow in the living room he totally had a conniption fit. Why?

Needlework Nellie
Springfield, Illinois

Dear Needlework,

Why? Because the instant that floral décor item hit the sofa, any visitor to the house would know your husband was gay. There is no surer sign.

Dear Indigna,

My husband and I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. The problem is, my husband is really uncomfortable with all the pink things we’ve been given. What should I do?

Pretty in Pink
Baggs, Wyoming

Dear Pretty,

Haven’t you been listening? Any man who would even tolerate a single pink item in his home is clearly looking for a little “Brokeback Mountain” action. I mean, really, woman! You live in Wyoming. Now, that’s cowboy country isn’t it? Think about it. If he did not instantly destroy every last pink plastic baby shampoo bottle or hot pink Barbie costume that entered your house, you and your “husband” are in deep, deep trouble.

Dear Indigna,

I sent my husband flowers at work for Valentine’s Day. He thanked me when he got home. Should I be concerned?

Loving Wife
Mesa, Arizona

Dear So-Called “Wife,”

Please get a good lawyer. Your husband is gay.

Dear Readers,

Due to the number of questions I receive dealing with similar issues I’ve decided to list the top ten signs your husband is gay, in no particular order.

Shaves and showers at least one time while on vacation.
Likes your mother.
Stays up late “talking” with houseguest without turning on the TV.
Rumored to drink Fresca.
Never farts audibly.
Ignores big screen plasma TV display.
Willingly consumes exotic, frightening food, like mangos.
Gets a Brazilian wax.
Insists on inviting an oddly androgenous Chris or Terry or Pat to wedding.
Fucks men, with or without you.

Dear Indigna,

My husband . . .

Dear Reader,

Say no more. I hope you have a pre-nup.