Cost Is No Object

Dear Indigna,

President Bush recently reiterated that "if you harbor terrorists, you are just as guilty as the terrorists; you're an enemy of the United States, and you will be held to account." What kind of action should we look forward to seeing as a result of this bold confirmation?

Armchair Battalion Leader
Little Hope, TX


Dear Armhair,

The initial invasions will be opened on multiple fronts. We all know that terrorists are living in England, Spain, and the tourist paradise of Bali, not to mention Israel proper. Rumsfeld plans to re-use his brilliant "show and tell"--wait a minute, that's not--oh yeah, "shock and awe" strategy, carpet-bombing South London, Buckinghamshire, Leeds, Madrid and most of the Indonesian tourist areas, as well as Tel Aviv and anyplace in Israel that has been hit by suicide bombers in the last twelve months. Of course, almost all of Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Lebanon, as well as Sudan, are considered lost causes and will be left alone.

The second phase will open with a full aerial assault on residential areas around Minnesota and Florida commercial pilot schools, alleged Oregon terrorist training camps, as well as Montana survivalist communities (just for good measure). Parts of Canada, such as Toronto and anyplace else Bush thinks might "harbor terrorists," like that suspiciously French-speaking province of "Québec," will likewise be eliminated.

All Right-thinking people who are completely confident that there are no terrorist-minded types living anywhere near their home should be greatly comforted to know that the Bush Administration has a plan to "bring the pain" to anywhere terrorists or their Leftist sympathizers are to be found (like San Francisco, Los Angeles, Vermont and parts of Manhattan) -- no matter what the cost.