Friday, April 06, 2007

Dog Control

Dear Indigna,

I understand that Texas may finally implement a tougher "vicious dog" law. Up until now, a dog's "first bite" was passed off as canine exhuberance or something, and if the animal killed someone the crime was treated as a misdemeanor. Isn't it about time we moved to protect innocent people from out-of-control pets?

Relieved
Dallas, TX

Dear Animal-Hater,

I vehemently oppose any additional dog control laws. Dogs don't kill people, people kill people. Except when their dog does it, in which case the people should be off the hook. Listen, once we start passing laws that penalize pet owners for allowing their pit bull-Rottweiler guard dog pack to roam the streets at will, protecting their homeowner-masters from any random threat posed by elderly ladies or deceptively "innocent" children, who knows how far down the slippery slope we will fall? Will we regulate the number of pet rats, guinea pigs, and hamsters one can keep, lest they decide to rise up en masse and slaughter their human overlords? Should I be prohibited from raising black cats to prevent them from committing witchcraft to ensure my neighbor has hung his last windchime? Shall we throw people in jail just because their python swallowed some threatening infant? If we outlaw guard pets, only outlaws will have guard pets.

In fact, I support a concealed pet permit, to allow law-abiding homeowners to protect their families and themselves by carrying a guard pet in their purse, pocket or holster at all times. People get robbed at ATMs and other public places all the time. That would never happen if people could carry a miniature Dobermain. Whip that puppy out and it's game over, bad guy!

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