Miracle Suit

Dear Indigna,

I just read in the news this morning about new swimwear that allows observant Muslim women like myself the ability to swim, surf, or even scuba dive while preserving my modesty and virginity. Is it true? Can I actually go to the beach without, as the article said, attracting "the unwanted looks of men"?

Hopeful
San Clemente, CA

Dear Hopeful,

Yes! It's true! These new "miracle suits" render you virtually invisible to men, therefore drastically reducing their otherwise inevitable attempts to rape you. Yet this miracle suit also allows women to see you and thus avoid crashing into you on their surfboards!

As for modesty? Nothing is more modest than a pair of wet nylon pants and a soaking Lycra tee, especially when paired with a "swim scarf" to cover your hair. Furthermore, it's nearly impossible to imagine anyone noticing a woman cavorting in the surf in an aqua and purple sequined polyester jogging suit, worn under a skirt, with a hot pink hijab billowing in the breeze.