Everybody's Doin' It

Dear Indigna,

We all know that abstinence-only sex education is the best way to go, but I am struggling with a new study in Public Health Reports that suggests that everyone except me is having sex. I just don't understand this. Is it true? How can the best minds of our generation be pouring millions of dollars into an education program that does not seem to be working? Can't we do something to make people stop having sex?

Cherry Flower
Las Vegas, NV

Dear Cherry,

No, it is not true that "everyone else is doing it." Only the good-looking people are doing it. (And the unfortunate-looking who have settled for the looks-challenged. And ordinary people who happen to find someone who has similar unusual kinky perversions. And--well, okay, everybody except you.) The important point here is that the government is on the side of Right by teaching abstinence only, and those who choose to ignore that advice are doomed to wallow in a hellish existence of hot, sweaty, orgiastic fantasy and intense orgasmic pleasure night after night . . . after night . . . while . . . where was I going with this again?

But the point to keep in mind is this: while you are achieving top grades in all subjects, keeping an immaculate apartment and excelling at work, those other whores are staying up all night studying nothing but anatomy and making huge messes that will probably make them late for work. You obviously win.