Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Safest Place On Earth

Dear Indigna,

The Great State of Texas is on the verge of passing the most significant and longed-for piece of legislation ever conceived on American soil. I am speaking, of course, of the so-called "Stand Your Ground" bill that would allow anyone to "shoot first, ask questions later" whenever he or she felt "threatened," without fear of civil or criminal liability. Coupled with a concealed weapon permit, this bill would give a man (or formidable lady, like Barbara Bush) the confidence to deal with problems the way God meant them to be handled--with firepower!

No longer would man be forced to "retreat" when "threatened" with his daughter's game-winning soccer goal being overturned on a technicality--his son being denied a place on the starting varsity team--his wife charged with embezzlement from the school boosters' club. A man could protect his neighborhood from the threat of racial or religious integration or worse, gentrification (and you know what kind of "guys" do "gentrification")! I don't know about you, but I even feel threatened by my next-door neighbor, who might be a Democrat or at the very least threatens to let his tree drop dangerous leaves onto my driveway. Let's nip that in the bud, at least! Please support us Texans in getting this kind of legislation passed as a federal law so everybody in the nation will have this important right, which is already included in the Second Amendment but politicians are too pussy to enforce it. I mean, what is a "militia" but a buncha guys trying to protect their neighborhood?

Trigger Happy
Gun Barrel City, TX

Dear Trigger,

Wasn't that the name of the Roy Rogers' horse? Just asking. No threat intended. Seriously, man. Don't shoot me. Please don't shoot me. I really wish I hadn't said that.

Anyhow, I'm on your side! Aren't there already a bunch of states that already have this kind of law? Like, Florida. Look at its success there! As far as I know, so far only one child has been killed while caught in the crossfire of her feuding neighbors, both of whom are safe from prosecution since they both claim self-defense. That's in a state of, what, some 17 million? Sounds like the safest place on earth. "Stand Your Ground" law, liberal concealed weapon permit law, safest place--coincidence??? I think not.

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