Wednesday, February 14, 2007

My Funny Valentine

Dear Indigna,

Do you believe President Bush when he claims that Iran is smuggling IEDs into Iraq?

Skeptic
Conception, MO

Dear Skeptic,

No, no, no! If Iran were shipping IEDs to Iraq, they clearly would not be "Improvised" Explosive Devices, now, would they? No, Bush is really talking in code about a super-secret Iranian effort to smuggle IUDs into Iraq in a little-suspected and sure-fire campaign of genocide against the Iraqi people.

The plan is foolproof primarily because it is exceedingly simple. Iran transports IUDs (Intra-Uterine Devices) across the border and hides them in thousands of underground caches across the country. Then, at a predetermined date, (eyes only: next Valentine's Day Eve), every Iraqi man in the country will be invited to an all-night Jihad Rave at Ali Sistani's place. While the guys are all moshing to the muezzin, specially trained Iranian gynecologists who have been surgically altered to exactly resemble every Iraqi husband in the country will slip into their assigned home and offer GHB-laced tea to the ladies in the household. When the chicks fall unconscious, the doctor will quickly implant each woman of child-bearing age or younger with one of the smuggled IUDs. When the Iraqi men stagger home in the morning, bleary-eyed from sleeplessness, still buzzing from the bahklava, and pining to procreate, the women won't remember a thing.

And voilĂ ! In just a few short generations, Iran will roll into Iraq and secure the entire country in a day or two by shipping the entire walker-pushing, memory-impaired population to a Home.

So the point is, Bush is dissembling! In fact, Iran is our ally!

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