The Spittoon

Dear Indigna,

Have you ever noticed how these famous female celebrity chefs are so freaking skinny?? Rachael Ray, Cat Cora, that chick related to Dino di Laurentiis, I could go on and on. I mean, do they not eat their own food? Are they bulimic? How do they become such "great cooks" without eating?

Buxomly Flummoxed
Peach Bottom, VA

Dear "Buxom,"

Have you ever been to a wine tasting? Here's how it works. You take one sip of a wine, swish it around and "savor" it, then spit it out. This way you can "taste" fifty-seven different wines without lapsing into a coma. Female celebrity chefs "eat" the same way. They take one bite of a culinary delight and roll it around in their mouths-- maybe even chew it. They take note of its inferiority to their own cooking, or, if it is their own cooking, take note of its perfection. Then they hock it onto the floor, into the spittoon, or onto another chef's apron, depending on its "vileness" (technical term).

Important note: obviously, male celebrity chefs (Paul Prudhomme, Mario Batali, et al.) eat just like normal humans. Only female celebrity chefs are repelled by the concept of actual food consumption.