Friday, January 19, 2007

Unimpeachable

Dear Indigna,

The other day I was driving on the Freeway in San Diego, and saw a sign hanging on the overpass that read “IMPEACH.” I immediately thought this must be about George W. Bush, but in thinking about it more, I was plagued with a myriad of questions that I’m hoping you can answer:
  • Can Vice Presidents or other White House staff be impeached?
  • What are the grounds needed to impeach a President?
  • Could George Bush be impeached? Has he done anything illegal? (Or I suppose legalities might not have any bearing when it comes to the President? i.e. having non-sex with a White House intern got one President impeached but I’m not sure if that alone was the premise of impeachment; do tell.)
I look forward to your words of wisdom in these matters.

Regards,
Paul Itkelly Blank
Cyberspace

Dear "Paul" (as if that is your real name),

"Cyberspace" my ass! You're from San Diego--yes, San Diego! I can even give the NSA your IP address! I can track you down like a hunted animal, you disloyal "citizen"! But enough about me.

The truth is, anyone on earth can be impeached, including not only the VP and other White House staff but you, your spouse, and your entire family. Even your pets are at risk. In fact, the only being on earth who cannot be impeached is me, Indigna, because I purchased a special dispensation from the late Pope John Paul II. His health was failing, his insurance maximum had been met, and he needed the cash just when I needed an "in" with the Big Guy (you don't need to know any more, since my transgressions have been erased from St. Peter's Book, provided I wasn't totally conned). If you screwed me over JP, I'm so coming for you in Hell!

Anyhow, the grounds needed to impeach a President include
  • "Exceptional [Oval Office] soiling" (anything requiring steam cleaning outside the regular schedule)
  • "Nixonian burglary" (a technical term), and
  • "Getting caught."
That's pretty much it. Anything else goes, including unilateral destruction of a non-threatening, much weaker sovereign nation, hunting one's friends for sport à la Dick Cheney, and perjury.

How, you may ask, given those conditions, can my family, my pets, and I be at risk of impeachment? And if we are, in fact, impeached, what is the consequence? Let me take the questions one at a time.

First of all, what is your risk of impeachment? The biggie is "exceptional soiling." What child, pet, or husband for that matter, is not guilty of this on a daily basis? That was President Clinton's real crime. Even I look around my own home and can only conclude that I am a filthy, disgusting slob! If I had a superior, I would surely be impeached. Thank goodness I invested in that dispensation! That's all I have to say about that!

But there's more! "Nixonian burglary" would apply to any unapproved "borrowing" (e.g., surreptitious cash from spouse, child's favorite toy) for the purpose of "conquest" (purchase of slutty high heels, disproportionately large athletic cup to wear to child's soccer games, victory in the Discipline Wars). And finally, "getting caught"? Excuse me, but I am without doubt the only human on the planet that has never, ever been "caught," and I have the Papal dispensation to prove it. Frankly, everyone (except me) gets caught.

Consequences for these infractions? Yeah, like I'm going to tell you beforehand. You'd just try to figure out if it was worth it to do the crime. Let's just say that, as I indicated earlier, I am on a first name basis with St. Peter Himself. Ask yourself--you really wanna mess wit dat?

Finally, could George W. Bush be impeached? Excuse me? Haven't you been paying attention?

Well, yes, it's a good question. He has more money than the Pope, so he could have very easily purchased a dispensation directly from God or St. Peter or even Jesus (I heard He sets up a street-side stand during the summer to make a little extra cash). Unfortunately, Bush is an evangelical Protestant. Mel Gibson tells me that consequently Bush is, regrettably, condemned to burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity, just because he joined the wrong congregation. God's funny that way.

But putting that aside, "has he done anything illegal"? Well, no, because he has taken liberal advantage of the so-called "signing statement," attached to almost all the laws passed during his administration, which pretty much says, "everyone in the country has to follow this law except me, 'cuz I'm the Emper. . . er, President!" Him and me, of course. My special dispensation is way more authoritative than terrestrial laws. He'll figure that out one day.

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