Sunday, February 18, 2007

In Other Words

Dear Indigna,

A Newberry Award-winning children's book, "The Higher Power of Lucky," apparently flaunts the word "scrotum" on its very first page (referring to the location of a dog's snakebite). Should my child's school join so many others in banning, perhaps burning, this book?

No Fan of the "First"
Blue Ball, AR

Dear Fan,

Of course! What, are you nuts? (No pun intended.) Obviously, children must be protected at all costs, for as long as possible, from knowing the so-called "technical" names for the naughty bits of their anatomy. If banning or burning the book is too difficult to accomplish, the simplest way to remedy this situation is simply to White-Outâ„¢ the offending word and replace it with something more acceptable, something you would not be horrified to hear coming out of your child's mouth. As alternatives may I suggest ball-sack, family jewels, teabags, giggle berries, hairy danglers, jawbreakers, jizz generators, love spuds, guards of the ass fort, spunk pumps and the like. This goes for girls, too! I mean, who could tolerate her fourth-grader calling her hoo-hoo a "vagina" when she could be taught to call it more seemly and prim euphemisms, such as muff, bearded clam, fish taco, hair pie, meat curtains or pink taco?

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