Sub-Zero

Dear Indigna,

I have this super high-end refrigerator that is two years old. A few days ago I opened the door of the refrigerator and it fell off! I mean, the freaking refrigerator door simply disconnected itself from the body of the machine and fell into my arms, threatening, if I were to drop all 300 pounds of it, to crush my feet and/or those of any children who were unfortunate enough to be near me. The company promised my repair guy that they would overnight a new hinge (a recall item, if only they had bothered to tell me!) to my house. That was four days ago so far!

My question is, would I be in violation of any laws if I were to go to the home of the President of the company and throw all my rotted food at him as he leaves for work Monday morning? Also, can you help me find his home address, and the names of the schools his children attend?

Left Holding the Door
Cool, CA

Dear Left,

"Would I be in violation of any laws if I were to go to the home of the President of the company and throw all my rotted food at him as he leaves for work Monday morning?" No, of course not! Didn't you see my earlier posting, Forgive Us Our Trespasses? According to the legal analysis of my trustworthy correspondant, you're perfectly welcome to go anywhere in anybody's yard and vandalize it however you want, since yards are, according to his reading of the law, "open space." As long as you're outside the house, fire away with confidence!

"Can you help me find his home address, and the names of the schools his children attend?" Yes, I'll email that info to you as soon as you tell me this: what the hell did you have in the refrigerator door shelves to make it weigh 300 pounds?