Friday, February 23, 2007

Royal Crown Cokehead

Dear Indigna,

The White House is vigorously denying Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's judgement that the current Iraq War is "the worst foreign policy mistake" the U.S. has ever made. I have just one simple question for you. If "Operation Iraqi Freedom" is not the "worst foreign policy mistake" ever, whatever could be?

Deeply Troubled
Wimauma, FL

Dear Troubled,

Boy, are you ever! First of all: What foreign policy mistake? How can you deny that the War Against Terror (or whatever) is the most successful foreign policy initiative ever?!? I mean, look at the figures. We "elect" a ticket comprised of two oil men. We then invade and occupy a large swath of the richest oil fields on earth. In short order, our oil companies are making the most obscene profits ever recorded in the history of capitalism! How, in any definition of the term, is that not success??

As for your question, I don't know if it counts as foreign policy but undoubtedly the worst policy mistake in the history of the U.S. is probably the institution of this stupid constitutional "democrat-style" government instead of a British-style hereditary monarchy or better yet, a colonial Empire. As everyone knows, even Napoleon, shackled with the misfortune of birth into only the "lesser" nobility, was able to crown himself Emperor in 1805 on the basis of no more than his staggering conquest of the world. Now that's the real American-style, pull-yerself-up-by-yer-privileged- bootstraps, anyone-can-become-a-emperor- given-enough- money-and-the-proper-education Horatio Alger story!

With George W. Bush we have a similar leader, likewise handicapped not by birth but by almost universal academic, military and business failure. Like Naploeon, he finds himself leading the most powerful nation in the world (in his case, with no qualifications other than his dynastic family and its immense wealth), and occupying a lot of real estate around the world through military invasion (though, to be fair, Napoleon actually led his troops into battle). Shouldn't we reward these awesome accomplishments with a crown? And he makes such a classic heir apparent! Who better to be our first Emperor than the undereducated, indolent, heavy gambling, half-retarded warmongering son of a former leader?

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