Mathematics

Dear Indigna,

Recently, President Bush insisted, all evidence to the contrary, that the majority of Americans support his war effort and that the overwhelming defeat of the Republican party last November for control of Congress simply indicated that the American people wanted "a change in our strategy in Iraq" rather than withdrawal. He calls the 63% of Americans who support troop withdrawal "a handful." What is he smoking, and where can I get some?

Realist
Stats Island, NY

Dear Unrealist,

Oh come on! We all know that so-called "math" isn't the President's strong suit! Sixty-three, schmixty-three! He clearly understands that an even larger percentage of Americans -- maybe as many as ninety percent! -- actually favor his policy of killing more Iraqis. As I understand it, ninety is more than sixty-three, and President Bush has issued an Executive Order determining that the definition of "a handful" is "anything less than ninety percent." Thus, sixty-three percent is, like, a tiny handful!

Furthermore, we all know that Father Knows Best, and President Bush's strong suit clearly is as a Father, as evidenced by the fine behavior of his perfect daughters. So, as every parent knows, when the American people (i.e., adolescent children in W.'s mind) say, "we hate what you're doing," that just means you're doing the right thing! "Vote my people out, will you?" Bush thinks. "Just for that, you'll get another year of time out (i.e., tour extension)!"