Gut Feelings

Dear Indigna,

Despite an utter lack of what some of us call "evidence," "chatter," or especially "intelligence," Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, has encouraged Americans to engage in mass hysteria over this summer's coming "Terror Spectacular," which sounds like a good name for a Six Flags attraction. In the absence of anything concrete, what's his tipoff?

Hunkered in My Bunker
Blazing Place, MT

Dear Wise Citizen,

Secretary Chertoff has a "gut feeling" that something bad's coming down this summer, so that's good enough for me. Who cares about "evidence" or "intelligence"? Those are for pussies. Just 'cuz his gut couldn't see Hurricane Katrina coming, even a week after it had already left, doesn't mean his gut can be wrong. No, no, it's just that his gut is a fine-tuned instrument that listens only to frequencies that can benefit his friends and allies. I mean, the guy didn't know anybody in New Orleans!

I have so much faith in Chertoff's gut that I've placed my life savings on Spavined to win in the fourth at Churchill Downs. 'Cuz Chertoff's gut said so. (At least that's what it sounded like it was growling the other day. The fellow seems to have irritable bowel syndrome.) Plus, who can doubt anything that comes out the mouth of a guy who looks so much like Dr. Smith on "Lost in Space"?