DNA

Dear Indigna,

My next door neighbor’s newborn son looks disturbingly similar to my son when he was just a few days old. I’m beginning to suspect that the child may be mine. Should I ask my neighbors for a DNA swab? How should I explain such a request? Most importantly, should I confess this possibility to my husband?

In a Bad Spot
Toad Suck, AR

Dear Spot,

Why ask the neighbors? Just lean over his stroller and pretend to “coo” at him. If he doesn’t open his mouth, stick him with a pin so you can jab that Q-tip in there. If the results come back positive for maternity, by all means tell your husband immediately so he can get you the psychiatric attention you so manifestly need.