'Tweens

Dear Indigna,

I read recently in Newsday (3/19/06) that kids age 9-14 have $33 billion worth of purchasing power! Where the heck are they getting that kind of cash?

Flabbergasted
Dollar, AL

Dear Flab,

In addition to their massive allowances, most of them deal drugs. The more salient question is, how can we separate them from that kind of cash? I read recently about a “gossip reporter” who threatened to make up and publish damaging stories about this really rich guy unless the mark paid him an “annual stipend.” And that guy only had $2 billion! Imagine what a person can do with a target that has $33 billion! Now, I have already requested a copyright for this idea so you can’t use it, but it’s so brilliant I have to share it with you. You know MySpace.com? I understand that a lot of young kids on that site provide all kinds of spectacularly private and embarrassing information about their debauched lifestyles. In many cases I won’t even have to make stuff up! Children who do not want me to inform their parents what they’re up to can subscribe to my service, “ZipperLip” (get it?), which will ensure my silence for a nominal monthly fee based on a sliding scale (say, $100 for sexual activity to $1000 for felonious conduct). Sign up today!