Thursday, May 04, 2006

Free Tickets

Dear Indigna,

Today one of my friends asked me if I would be interested in two tickets she had to hear a political speaker. She claimed she and her husband had bought season tickets to this speakers’ series and couldn’t attend that evening. I demurred, as I had no babysitter and my husband could not possibly be home in time. Yet she insisted in her attempts to persuade me to go, flattering me that I, among all her acquaintance, would enjoy the evening the most. She even suggested I could take the children by using the tickets of one of her cohorts.

Why was she so insistent?

Wrongly Suspicious?
Davenport, IA

Dear “Wrong,”

And so you are. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Suspicion has nothing to do with this. It’s all certainty. One of six possible scenarios is involved:

  1. She planned to have you assassinated at the speech. Does she hate you?

  2. She planned to have you fingered for an assassination. Does she hate you?

  3. She needed you to establish as an alibi that she was at the speech during [insert crime of your choice here]. Do you resemble her, and if not, does she hate you?

  4. She is involved in a terrorist plot that would implicate you, were you at the speech. Does she hate you?

  5. She was pimping you to her husband, who was actually planning to attend. Does she hate him?

  6. Least likely of all, she couldn’t use the tix and wanted someone to have the use of them. Yeah, as if!! Only creepy suspicious persons would do such a thing. Does she hate you?

Long story short, go into hiding until you can manage to have either the CIA, FBI and/or the Mafia pick her up and find out what her exact motives were, provided she survives the interrogation.


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