Worship

Dear Indigna,

The brutal leech I made the mistake of marrying recently left me. Understand that during our marriage I idolized this monster, hanging upon his every word, smothering him with kisses and embraces constantly, even at the office, in public, during parent-teacher conferences, etc. I even had little shrines to him set up in our home and at my workplace, at which I would daily place “offerings” of chocolates, Sports Illustrated magazines, and sex toys. Despite this worshipful treatment, he left me. Since then he has been stalking me, calling to ask “if I’m all right,” which is obviously him asking me to “confess” to him for absolution, or “need any money,” which clearly is a reverse psychology ploy to get me to tithe to him, or something. He even shows up outside our house to take the kids to school or baseball games or movies on certain days and times, and sometimes even disappears with them for a weekend at a time. What should I do???

Frantic Devotee
Goofy Ridge, IL

Dear Frantic,

Find someone who will idolize and hang upon him as you once did, paying her if you must. When he dumps her in turn, make sure she continues to stalk him the rest of his life, just as he has yours. Vengeance is a dish best served in spades.