Professional

Dear Indigna,

I am writing because I have long been recognized for my creative, enthusiastic and extremely rigorous disciplining of my family, neighborhood animals, and the occasional streetwalker. I'd like to kick it up a notch and go pro. Where do I sign up to become one of the "professionals" President Bush referred to so frequently in his September 15th press conference?

It's How I Show Love
Bloody Springs, AL

Dear Loverboy,

I'm glad you asked. CIA "professionals" get to travel to exciting, remote, completely "undiscovered" secret foreign locations, assume total anonymity, and escape the soul-deadening restrictions of U.S. and international law. It's as exclusive and manly as "Fight Club," and thus totally sexy, and as a bonus, if you tell any of the hot babes you meet what you do, you will have to kill them.

Becoming a "professional" is a matter of personality, not training. Anyone can apply at a local military recruiting station, motorcycle or drug gang, underground "boxing" establishment, anger-management seminar, or CIA headquarters in Langley, VA. As I said earlier, "pros" are born, not made, in which case you sound like a natural. Congratulations on your new career!