Monday, October 02, 2006

The Harder the Falls

Dear Indigna,

I have a very serious situation and I don't know who to turn to. We recently found out, much to our surprise, that our 15-year-old daughter is about 5- or 6-months pregnant. Upon taking her to an obstetrician, we also discovered that she is an HIV-positive IV-drug user. (For the record, my husband and I just thought she had a terrific shape and was a potential supermodel.) We're somewhat relieved that she has no idea who the father is, as that makes any decisions about what to do entirely between my husband and me. My concern is which is likely to do the least damage to her body and thus her future career as a supermodel: pregnancy or abortion. Sure, she's well into her second trimester and still isn't showing. Nevertheless, we have to believe that she will "show" at some point, and we have to worry about stretch marks! On the other hand, I have no idea what a late-second-trimester abortion is like or what the consequences to her figure might be. Please advise.

Victoria Falls
Niagara, NY

Dear "Victoria Falls,"

Surely you jest! "Victoria Falls"? Can that be your real name? Oh my God, give me a second to get control over my mirth. You, lady, have just made my day. Oh Lord. I need a tissue. I just can't stop! After I blot my "laugh-tears" and finish choking on my own hilarity, let me ask you a question. Why did your parents hate you so much?

Oh God, I need another second to pull myself together! Man, my laugh muscles are going to be sore tomorrow! Whew! "Victoria Falls." There, I made myself collapse again! Say, what's your daughter's name? "Wichita"? "Snoqualmie"? Surely not . . . "Niagara"? Oh shit, I just snorted milk out my nose!

Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Okay, I know I can pull myself together. There. I just have to avoid thinking about . . . "Miss Wichita Falls" . . .

Stop it. Just stop it. Okay, I'm good now. So, Mrs. I-Dare-Not-Repeat-The-Name-Lest-I- Perish-From-Merriment, thanks for the bit of drollery, what? Now, what was your question again? Oh, never mind. Let's move on to the next petitioner.


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