Pets

Dear Indigna,

My husband and I have always wanted to have children, but we are afraid to proceed. You see, we have a number of pets, including cats, dogs, rodents, reptiles and birds. We’re afraid that we could never love our children as much as our pets! What if we came to resent the child for demanding attention that we should be giving to our pets? What if the child weren’t as cute and cuddly as our pets (especially the snakes and tarantulas)? Please advise!

Should We or Shouldn’t We
Conception, MO

Dear Should,

It’s worse than you think. Children have been known to spew fluorescent yellow projectile shit if you don’t get that diaper on your newborn fast enough. I should know; my husband and I once had to replace several pieces of furniture after my firstborn took aim, just a few days after birth! Babies are far more clever than we, and use their wiles and wits, not to mention lung capacity, to get just about anything they want or need from us, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! Not only that, but children, unlike most pets, are notoriously long-lived. Once you have a child, you will have him for at least 18 years, and often 30 or 40 years, or more! Not only that, but should you tire of the child, or find that he is ungovernable or vicious, there is no animal shelter that you can drop him off at; rather, you will have to drive out to the country and leave him in some farmer’s field. Moreover, children are exceedingly costly to keep.

Finally, there is the issue of population control. There are far too many idiots like you already. Get sterilized immediately. Do it now. Don’t make me come down there!