Teach Your Children Well

Dear Indigna,

Some of the parents at our high school allow their children to drink in their home. They figure the kids are going to get drunk anyhow, they might as well do it in safety where they won’t be tempted to drive. I think this is just terrible parenting, don’t you?

Disgusted
Bend, OR

Dear Self-Righteous Bitch,

Get off your freaking high horse already. Like you never drove on ‘shrooms. Not only should parents allow kids to drink in the home, but they should introduce them to other intoxicants as well. At least, if they’re shooting up in the bathroom, you can ensure a supply of clean needles. It’s also a parent’s duty to teach kids how to cook up meth safely. And every kid needs to learn how to construct a variety of bongs before they go to college, and unless you want them to learn on the street, where they might get bad or even incorrect information from their peers, it’s up to you to have that discussion with your kids. I fondly remember many wasted weekends with my own kids, drinking, smoking, dropping acid, just hanging out. At least, I think I remember these things; I was doing a lot of hallucinogens in those days. These memories are precious to me, as my kids are now scattered all over the country, in Sing Sing, Leavenworth, San Quentin, and a secret underground federal interrogation facility somewhere in the Arizona desert.