Double Down

Dear Indigna,

Turns out, the NSA has been collecting data on, like, every phone call made in the U.S. since 2001!! What on earth do they hope to learn from all that?

Scared
Screamer, AL

Dear Scared,

Fear no more. It is clear that the President is simply trying to solve the problem of the national debt. You see, through no fault of his own (excepting the tax cuts, war expenditures, and massive increases in bureaucracy and domestic surveillance), the President has found himself with a deficit that will likely bankrupt the country in ten or twelve years. Even though he will no longer be in office, and thus shouldn’t give a rat’s ass, he has decided to risk it all and is using this new database of numbers that are “significant” to people, along with everybody’s birthdates, numerologized pet’s names, shoe sizes, etc., along with a computer the size of your living room, to figure out the winning numbers in every lottery in the nation! Once he has the golden numbers and wins Mega-Millions® from these lottos, he will take that haul to either the races or Las Vegas, depending on how the stars align. There he will “double-down” or “bet the farm” and likely solve our nation’s debt crisis in a single roll of the dice and/or freak laming of the front runners. Once he has won a few trillion, well, re-election seems certain.

What’s that you say? He’s already had two terms? Listen any fella who can erase the national debt with a simple “lucky seven” deserves a third term, don’t you think?