Virgin Territory

Dear Indigna,

A Berlin whorehouse has begun offering “special deals for virgins with prostitutes trained in the delicate art of catering for customers who have never had sex.” The madam of the house defines the term “virgin” to include anyone who has “never been in a brothel before.” I have two questions:

1) Can the hookers really be so good that it feels “like a virgin” to be with them?

2) If I have been a lifelong slut but have never been to a brothel, does that mean I am still a virgin?

3) Would a gift certificate be a good birthday present for my son?

Racking My Brain For the Boy Who Has Everything
Berlin, Germany

Dear Racking,

1) Are you kidding me?? It’s been dubbed “Best Little Whorehouse in Berlin” three years running by Die Welt! The bimbos are that good. Everyone knows that getting teenage boys interested in losing their virginity is so “delicate” a business that the harlots and molls must learn a lot of special techniques and skills to make sure that if a guy enters as pure as the driven snow, he exits as filthy as Manhattan slush. For example, the strumpet has to be a woman. And naked.

Actually, that’s pretty much it. Oh, and your prices have to be right. Some boys don’t get a lot of allowance.

2) It only works that way if you’re a guy.

3) See answer #1, but are you sure he’s a “virgin”? If he is “40 or older” and still unmarried, chances are good. You can rest assured that the floozies and trollops at this particular bawdyhouse are “aware of how much courage it takes to go to a brothel the first time.” Especially one that caters to virgins. Make sure his poker buddies don’t find out.