Thursday, May 11, 2006

Detax

Dear Indigna,

I just read that the Republican Congress is submitting a $70 billion tax cut package that will benefit nearly every taxpayer with income over $100,000 but less than 30% of everybody under $75,000. At the same time, they are planning to raise the debt limit to nearly double what it was when Bush took office. How can they possibly justify this?

Stumped
Why, AZ

Dear Stumped,

It’s pathetically obvious but as you apparently live in a place where there aren’t a lot of people making more than $100K I will spell it out for you very slowly and clearly: people with a lot of money buy more expensive stuff than you other people. I’d be willing to bet you shop at Wal-Mart (average tab: $15.37). Well, those folks in the top tier shop at places like Tiffany (average tab: $52,500), Bloomingdale’s (average tab: $33,892), and the local Bentley dealer (average tab: $300,000 plus tax and license). In other words, wealthier people spend tons more money than you, thus boosting the economy! And the more money they have, the more they can spend! Duh! Now, most people in the lowest socioeconomic echelons have never even been in a Tiffany or Bloomie’s, and a vanishingly small percentage drive Bentleys. Why should we give them more money to spend on cheap plastic shit that’ll probably break immediately anyway (adding to the landfill problem), tacky, ill-fitting polyester clothes (adding to “visual pollution”), and food you would never find on the menu at an upscale restaurant (okra, fried pork rinds, generic beer). Instead, imagine the benefits of giving extra money to people who will spend it on the very best quality durable goods (Bentleys), tasteful yet trendy clothing (Bloomingdale’s), gorgeous jewels (Tiffany) and the choicest meats, the freshest and most organic vegetables, and the ultimate mind-bending desserts (chocolate-broccoli tart topped with liver ice cream) served with the rarest exotic intoxicants (fermented viper toxin) in sophisticated, candlelit, snotty dining establishments at which someone from Why, AZ would never, ever be able to get a reservation. Thus, wealthy people not only are responsible for driving the entire economy with their free-wheeling spending habits, but they also improve the aesthetics of the country by setting the example of good taste, reduce solid waste by avoiding cheap plastic shit, and maintain the health of the populace (that makes more than $100K) through a high quality diet. Now, shouldn’t we reward all that?

Besides, the tax cut isn’t expected to cause a major economic meltdown for, like, 10 years. The midterm election is this year. Why should anyone in the Administration care what happens in 10 years? They won’t be in office anymore.

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