Miracle

Dear Indigna,

Pat Robertson claims that at the age of 72 he could leg-press 2,000 lbs.! He even has video on his website purporting to show him "leg-pressing" 1,000 lbs. at the age of 74. Is he telling the truth here?

Skeptical Powerlifter
Muskegee, TN

Dear Skeptical,

No. He's just being modest. The real figure is a whopping 20,000 lbs.! That's how powerful God's love has made this man!

Plus, the Holy Spirit hath descended upon Pat Robertson and hath given him the recipes to His new "age-defying" food products, like "Pat's Diet Shake"--now available at a health food store or church service near you! This miracle food (aka "manna from heaven") endows he who partaketh thereof with the astonishing health and strength you saw demonstrated in Pat's video. The secret is in the remarkable healing powers of its ingredients, including "Fructose [sugar], Natural and Artificial Flavors, Cellulose Gum, Xanthan [fillers], . . . Sucralose [artificial sweetener], Sodium Chloride [table salt], . . . Potassium Iodide [treatment for radiation exposure], Silicon Dioxide [sand], Acesulfame-K [artificial sweetener], Zinc Oxide [sunscreen], Magnesium Oxide [laxative], Lecithin, Guar Gum [fillers]," and a full array of other vitamin-like chemical formulations.

Do these holy, God-given miracle products work? Well, just look at Pat Robertson! He's 76 and still an Adonis! I break out into a sweat just looking at him! He's like Zeus on steroids! The man can leg-press 1,000 lbs. wearing dress slacks! Without breaking a sweat! I bet he has the thighs of Atlas! I mean, the man's a god!