Friends

Dear Indigna,

Once again, a person I thought was my friend has betrayed, insulted, and dumped me. Why do I keep attracting such toxic people?

Stumped
Sapp, FL

Dear Chump,

This one is easy. You keep getting your face slapped because you are a loser. I mean, basically, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. You obviously put off a loser vibe and it’s like magnetic to non-loser people, who then feel compelled to “make friends with” (as if!) and then hurt losers. You see, the non-losers know that they can do way, way better than you so they need to let you know that, preferably in the most public, humiliating, and definitive way possible, so that you will stop bothering them already! So please, in the future, leave us non-losers alone and stick with your own kind. You’ll probably find some in the alley next to the dumpster.