Headlines

Dear Indigna.

I recently read some disturbing headlines:

1) Lifestyle trumps drugs for a healthy heart: study

2) Study nixes Benadryl for putting babies to sleep

3) Fat people not more jolly, study says

Do these news items mean I have to quit using, lose weight and rock my child to sleep to fulfill my quest to be jolly?

Damned to Unjolliness
Hog Wallow, AR

Dear Damned,

Bloody Hell!!! Now, how exactly am I supposed to lose weight and exercise while my child is awake? I grant you, fat people are not "more jolly" than skinny people--that's because we'll never get back to our pre-pregnancy weight and the baby is squawking half the time!

Now, the problem with these three studies is that their conclusions are mutually exclusive--it's impossible to follow all three recommendations at the same time. You gotta be thin to be jolly, but you don't have time to get in shape if the baby's awake. Sure, diet and exercise are better than drugs for a healthy heart (though I don't know anyone who's jolly about that), but listen folks: if we can't dope our babies into unconsciousness so that we can go to the gym and shop for organic greens, you at least gotta let us get our "jollies" on the local street corner--which will, presumably, lead to weight loss and, potentially, a healthier heart (will high cholesterol disappear with emaciation?) as well as the energy to stay up with the baby--for days or weeks on end if necessary . . .

BTW, where do I get a grant to "study" this proposal?