Commitment

Dear Indigna,

My teenage children have expressed interest in attending a screening of the new movie, "Employee of the Month." This is my local newspaper's plot synopsis in its entirety:

'"EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" (PG-13): At a warehouse superstore, a date with the hottest girl on staff (Jessica Simpson) is offered up as a bribe to induce the two biggest slackers (Dane Cook, Dax Shepard) to vie for the title of employee of the month.'

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this film sound just a teeny weeny bit like it encourages, I don't know, perhaps a "degrading" attitude toward women which I would not want my teen boys to adopt? However, my children, their friends, and (per those friends) all the friends' parents think I am grotesquely out of touch with society and have threatened to call Child Protective Services and have me committed to a Home if I do not let them see this entertainment. What should I do?

Don't Want to Live in a Home
Defeated, TN

Dear "Homer,"

If the well-known feminist icon Jessica Simpson is behind the idea, you know it is politically and morally correct. This sounds like a perfectly legitimate form of employee incentive program, and also serves to shut down any whining about "equal opportunity" and "wage parity" since none of the women employees is likely to vie for the honor, much less win it. In fact, it reminds me of a deliciously creative means hit upon by one of my former employers to improve company morale and offer a wealth of advancement opportunities to female employees--while at the same time raising capital! Here's how it worked: the senior executives offered to select women employees the opportunity to prove their commitment, industry and enthusiasm by stripping down, oiling up, and wrestling each other in a jello pit on Pay-Per-View. This marketing program never failed to catapult the company into the black!