Immigration I

Dear Indigna,

Why can’t the government do something about the immigration problem?

Vexed
San Antonio, TX

Dear Vexed,

Despite what you might have heard about a “stalled” immigration bill in Congress, President Bush has already launched a pilot program in Florida that, if successful, could be rolled out across the Southwest within the year. It is a two-pronged effort.

The first prong involves releasing vast quantities of iguanas and Burmese pythons into the populated areas. The tactic has several goals. First, these animals will show illegal immigrants what it’s like to be displaced by those who are not supposed to be there! Second, they should scare the bejesus out of everyone, forcing them to flee, probably to Mexico or Haiti (see goal #1). Third, you know how everyone complains that illegals have a higher birth rate than citizens? A Burmese python is capable of eating small children.

The second prong of this effort takes place at Walt Disney World, a place sure to be visited by everyone at least once as well as being the seat of the super-secret shadow government run by Dick Cheney and Michael Eisner (his leaving the company was only a ruse to throw off suspicion; Robert Iger is really a muppet). You may have read recently about two deaths in the past year on WDW’s “Mission: Space” ride. This “attraction” features a “centrifuge” that is supposed to simulate increased G-forces experienced by astronauts. Actually, the true purpose of the centrifuge is to extract DNA from participants to be used to clone embryos for spare parts (to be sold to the highest bidder on the free market), stem cells and a secret cybernetically-enhanced army. This army will be used by the INS to round up and deport illegal immigrants and create an armed, impenetrable humanoid “wall” along the barrier to prevent future immigration. The irony of this approach is that no doubt many of the humanoids will be clones of the very people they are programmed to keep out.