Immigration II

Dear Indigna,

Why can’t the government do something about the immigration problem?

Irritated
San Jose, Costa Rica

Dear Irritated,

I assume you are referring to the vast influx of retired Americans who have been buying up all the most desirable oceanfront property in Central America and proceeding to build and occupy “gated communities” that deny the locals the use of the beach. I can explain this. President Bush is testing an immigration relief program that would simply swap our elderly for the hale and hearty young immigrants who can still work. If he can “export” a number of old folks equal to the number of immigrants (or “guest workers”), he can achieve a balance, halt the population expansion, and ensure that the least productive members of our society no longer burden the already strained resources of the government. Stage two, eliminating Medicare, should encourage an even greater number of fogies and leeches to find retirement in exile even more attractive. The final stage, getting rid of Social Security (but not the Social Security tax, of course) can be gradually introduced as the ex-pat community becomes more frail and unable to object. With the huge number of baby-boomers beginning to retire, I see little chance of this policy failing.