Nekkid

Dear Indigna,

Was former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.) molested by that priest, Father Mercieca, or not?

Innocent Until Proven Guilty
Name Withheld, Gozo, Malta

Dear Father Mercieca's Roommate,

Of course not. It's all a simple misunderstanding. What's wrong with a 30-year-old man taking nude saunas with a 13-year-old boy under his protection? You ever seen a clothed person in a sauna? Furthermore, all 13-year-olds go skinny-dipping in lakes; thank heavens young Foley's priest was with him to keep the creeps away! As for the massages--how can you massage someone unless they're au naturel? Can't be done. Of course, these massages must have taken place in a hotel room (travelling is so stressful), thus explaining why the adolescent Foley and his priest were starkers together in a hotel room.

Oh, like you were never massaged by a nekkid person!

This poor priest deserves our utmost respect and compassion. After all, he has suffered from periods of heavy drug and alcohol use which render his memory of contemporaneous events related to certain encounters with young Foley rather fuzzy, so of course it's likely that disgraced Rep. Foley would claim that he "didn't like" what happened during these he-said/he-said blackout periods, since the former Rep. is now unemployed and clearly hoping to make nest-egg money off this sad little priest, who is reduced to living on the Maltese resort island of Gozo, where--whenever the occasional vacationer is present--he must listen to pathetic, rambling, and total buzz-kill confessions of pleasures he is sworn never to enjoy. Have pity, people!