Birth Plan

Dear Indigna,

I hear that Tom Cruise plans to eat Katie Holmes’ placenta after she gives birth. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! What do you think he'll do next?

Disgusted
North, SD

Dear Disgusted,

Tom has it all figured out. Shortly after birth the child, hereafter known as “The Chosen One,” will be sequestered at the Scientologist monastery, rumored to be hidden above the clouds in the highest and most inaccessible reaches of the Hollywood Hills. There, he or she will begin training for the inevitable future showdown with the child of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for absolute world domination.

As for Tom, he plans to breastfeed for up to two years, as he believes it will be “very nutritious.”