The Gospel of Judas

Dear Indigna,

The discovery of this “Gospel of Judas” has me really confused. The Bible is the infallible word of God, but this new “gospel” contradicts the New Testament that I know so well. Is the Judas document actually authored by Satan?

Wondering Worshipper
Blue Goose Bucksnort, TN

Dear Wondering,

Naw, it’s just God pulling your leg a little. He loves to hide these little papyri in crockery all around the Middle East, kinda like an Easter egg hunt, to see how long it takes us to find them all. Then he gets a big belly laugh out of all the doubters who buy this shit!

That said, however, there are a number of emerging documents that in fact are true and are likely to shake the foundations of Western civilization, or at least creep us out. For example, scholars are currently authenticating a letter, found in an empty ketchup bottle washed up on a beach in Namibia, that is expected to confirm that the Rapture has already occurred, all of us still on Earth have been “Left Behind,” and Jesus is now living among us, but he has converted to Buddhism. Another crumbling manuscript, discovered in an old filing cabinet at a yard sale, is said to have proven definitively that time travel will be discovered in the next few years and that movie, “Soylent Green,” is actually a documentary from the future. The most recent discovery is an old high school term paper, which was thought “lost” but had in fact been buried by the dog in the backyard of Mortimer Sned of Monkey’s Eyebrow, AZ. According to my sources, this document provides irrefutable evidence that all human experience is nothing more than a fever dream, and we are in fact all lying in some kind of suspended animation tanks producing electricity for the Matrix.