Bad Deal

Dear Indigna,

WTF??!!!?? Why is it that I can do construction work with the big boys and have arms of steel, yet my children still taunt me about my "plush bottom"? I can lift 150 pounds like the other guys, so how come I still look like a seedy old whore?

Superwoman
Fifty-six, AR

Dear menopausal has-been,

Remember that deal with the Devil that you made to stay hot way past your sell-by date? I didn't think so. Fact is, you are a seedy old whore. Deal with it.

Thou Shalt Covet

Dear Indigna,

Can Russia actually "claim" the polar regions simply by planting a flag there, all international laws to the contrary? Can the U.N. do anything to prevent this? I ask because I would very much like to expand my real estate holdings.

Potential Plutocrat
NY, NY

Dear Future World Leader,

U.N., Spew N! Of course this is legitimate, and has been for thousands of years! Okay, so the so-called "international law" "differs" -- for no more than the last half-century mind you! -- but that is just because of activist judges who have legislated from the bench by completely ignoring the fact that there is absolutely nothing in the "World Constitution" justifying this infringement on empirical rights (i.e., empire-building, per my free-speech-guaranteed personal dictionary)!

No, no, no! I subscribe to the Scalia/Thomas view of any "constitutional" question that does not impact my personal life or financial status. We must return to the "Original Intent" of the Framers of the (World) Constitution.

Here's the kicker--no such Constitution exists! HA! Therefore we must return to the accepted interpretation of laws and whatnot that existed when such a document failed to be drafted, i.e., anytime before, oh, say, whatever date seems most convenient. If, just in the U.S. alone, we can roll back seemingly settled precedent like, I don't know, the 1954 decision Brown v. Board of Education (Justice Thomas in 2007: "it is far from apparent that coerced racial mixing has any educational benefits, much less that integration is necessary to black achievement"), we can certainly ignore any so-called "decisions" made thereafter. Fer example, Roe v. Wade, 1973, was partially overturned in 2007 'cuz, you know, it totally ignored the long-accepted axiom that our delicate little ladies need to be protected from their own decisions by ball-swingers. Justice Kennedy:

[S]ome doctors may prefer not to disclose precise details of the means that will be used [to perform an abortion] ... It is self-evident that a mother who comes to regret her choice to abort must struggle with grief more anguished and sorrow more profound when she learns, only after the event, what she once did not know [i.e., surgical details] ... It is a reasonable inference that a necessary effect of the regulation and the knowledge it conveys will be to encourage some women to carry the infant to full term, thus reducing the absolute number of late-term abortions. The medical profession, furthermore, may find different and less shocking methods to abort the fetus in the second trimester, thereby accommodating legislative demand. ... While we find no reliable data to measure the phenomenon, it seems unexceptionable to conclude some women come to regret their choice to abort the infant life they once created and sustained. [emphasis mine] (Gonzales v. Carhart No. 05-380 sec. IV-A)

This logic is clearly on the side of Right, as is the idea that "he who smelt it, dealt it." In other words, take responsibility for your own actions--or failure to act! To return to the question of Russia's bold claim of the Arctic Ocean, did anyone else put a flag there yet? No! So no one has any right to whine about Russia's getting there first. As for U.S. law, under the Thomas/Kennedy theory of jurisprudence, we must reject so-called "evidence" and "precedent" and decide the question of ownership using nothing more than common sense and speculation about the likely opinions of the eighteenth-century Framers of our Constitution. Yes, we must fall back onto the simple doctrine that governed land acquisition for thousands of years, yea, even unto the twentieth century. That doctrine is "finders keepers, losers weepers," provided the finder is better-armed than the loser. After all, where would our country be today if not for colonialism?

What? What'd I Say? What's Wrong With What I Said?

Dear Indigna,

Can you believe this guy, Ralph Papitto, while chairman of the (all-white) board of Roger Williams University in Rhode Island, used the N-word in a board meeting and doesn't see what the big deal is? What's even more unbelievable is that three board members who objected to his language were forced to resign! Papitto eventually resigned himself, but only "based on his age and his desire to spend more time with his family." Is this behavior typical of Fortune-500-Company founders or only Rhode Islanders?

Proud African Woman
Providence, RI

Dear Bee-atch,

I only call you that because Mr. Pepitto told me that that is how you ladies like to be addressed. Of course, like Mr. Pepitto, I "have never used that term before," but I learned it the same way as the perfectly innocent Mr. Papitto learned his "new" vocabulary word, as he explained in his own words:

"The first time I heard [the N-word] was on television and then rap music or something."

Naturally, after hearing it on "television" (and don't we all hear the N-word on television every fifteen seconds?) and "rap music or something [perhaps at his country club?]" he no doubt innocently assumed it was an inoffensive word. I suspect that his dropping the N-bomb--oops, I mean N-word!--was his attempt, as an 80-year-old white zillionaire, to appear "hep" to the other "cats" on the board. And hey! The guy says he "apologized"! Whaddaya want from him--contrition? regret? surely not . . . repentance?

See, this just goes to show that old people become children again. Children innocently use "bad" words because they don't realize they're "bad." I recall, as a child, using confusing words in conversation with my parents just to find out what they really meant. I learned that "cock," "fuck," "shit," and "clitoris" meant a long, long stint in the coat closet. And, although it's been thirty years, I still miss chocolate.

Mr. Papitto learned that the N-word means "retirement."

Gut Feelings

Dear Indigna,

Despite an utter lack of what some of us call "evidence," "chatter," or especially "intelligence," Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, has encouraged Americans to engage in mass hysteria over this summer's coming "Terror Spectacular," which sounds like a good name for a Six Flags attraction. In the absence of anything concrete, what's his tipoff?

Hunkered in My Bunker
Blazing Place, MT

Dear Wise Citizen,

Secretary Chertoff has a "gut feeling" that something bad's coming down this summer, so that's good enough for me. Who cares about "evidence" or "intelligence"? Those are for pussies. Just 'cuz his gut couldn't see Hurricane Katrina coming, even a week after it had already left, doesn't mean his gut can be wrong. No, no, it's just that his gut is a fine-tuned instrument that listens only to frequencies that can benefit his friends and allies. I mean, the guy didn't know anybody in New Orleans!

I have so much faith in Chertoff's gut that I've placed my life savings on Spavined to win in the fourth at Churchill Downs. 'Cuz Chertoff's gut said so. (At least that's what it sounded like it was growling the other day. The fellow seems to have irritable bowel syndrome.) Plus, who can doubt anything that comes out the mouth of a guy who looks so much like Dr. Smith on "Lost in Space"?

Miss America

Dear Indigna,

Amy Polumbo, "Miss New Jersey," gets to keep her crown and compete in the Miss America pageant, despite pictures showing her "boyfriend nuzzl[ing] her bosom." How should I feel about this?

Flat-chested
Trenton, NJ

Dear Flat,

Appalled, of course! What national news organization uses the word "bosom"??? That said, there is a perfectly legitimate reason for her boyfriend to be "nuzzling her bosom." He must be a nursling rooting for a meal. Unfortunately, that image does tend to open up a whole other line of disturbance, not the least of which, why would she be lactating if she is a "Miss"?

That said, one of the other images in question, that in which the lady "holds up two strategically placed pumpkins"--what's wrong with that? Combined with the previously-discussed image of fertility and lactation, it continues the "Ceres" theme of Woman as the giver of life, sustenance, and the bodacious patooties that make grown men (like Miss New Jersey's boyfriend, if he is indeed not a nursling) want to suckle once again. Furthermore, any other "indiscreet" photos implying procreative activities fit with the trope of the cornucopia of plenty provided by Mother Nature. In my opinion, this astonishingly appropriate, thematically unified photo gallery should guarantee young Miss New Jersey the crown!

Viz., Loooooozer!

Dear Indigna,

I just saw a promo for a "reality" TV show called "Cash Cab." Apparently, in Manhattan, if you happen to get into the wrong taxi the driver might ask you an esoteric, recondite question and if you provide the wrong answer, you are put on the curb! What if you are in labor???

Super-preggers
NY, NY

Dear self-described "Super,"

Lady, if you can't define "videlicet" and give its common abbreviation and etymology while in transitional labor, well (heh heh heh) you just aren't fit to have a child in Manhattan now are you? Hey, no one asked you to go for the big time! Now that you live here, you better buck up or back out!

Here's how it works here. If you aren't teaching your child ancient Greek in the womb via Babelophonics (my award-winning pre-partum language learning system), you can just kiss the 92nd Street Y preschool goodbye right now. And if your child isn't born speaking fluent Latin? Forget the Ivy League. I mean forever. Unless you teach your child how to "revise" a popular novel enough to get his or her own "coming-of-age novel" published, preferably by the age of eight. Or, if you want a shortcut, immediately sell your child into indentured servitude so as to create the background for a "stand-out" college essay.

At any rate, it sounds like you have work to do. Get off your ass! Otherwise your child will become a homeless grade-school drop-out with an apple-juice problem!!

Revisionist History

Dear Indigna,

I just read a book which said cavemen tamed and rode dinosaurs. It said scientists found ancient leather saddles in a cave in France. Is this true?

Confused Christian
Live Oak, FL

Dear Confused (I'd hate to call you a "Christian" given your doubts!),

Well, DUH! Perhaps someone who claims to be a Christian needs to visit the new Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY! (But please don't use the demeaning epithet "cavemen." We prefer to be called "humans.")

If humans and dinosaurs didn't coexist, how can this definitive museum prove that dinosaurs may be responsible for the Flood. Huh? Huh? Well, it's because "maybe dinosaurs had started killing other animals and humans," thus explaining why they got what they deserved!!

(BTW, this punishment of God for flesh-eating in no way means humans ought to stop eating the delicious carnivorous offerings of our devout brothers at In-N-Out Burger and Domino's Pizza.)

The Museum also shows that, at the time of the Flood, Noah obediantly took on two of each of the "fewer than 50 kinds of dinosaurs." Now, how do we know there were so few kinds? Well, "there are certainly hundreds of dinosaur names, but many of these were given to just a bit of bone or skeletons of the same dinosaur found in other countries. It is also reasonable to assume that different sizes, varieties, and sexes of the same kind of dinosaur have ended up with different names."

Leaving unanswered, as does the Museum, the question of why any animals other than carnivorous dinosaurs survived the Ark, why are there no longer any dinosaurs? Well, after the Flood subsided all the prey of those dinosaurs had been drowned (or eaten on the Ark, I guess). The museum folks also think it's possible that Noah and his clan went to all that trouble to preserve and pacify the dinos on the Ark in order to enjoy a little post-catastrophe sport. Nothing raises the spirits like hunting dinosaurs to extinction! Good times!

What about carbon-14 dating? Well, let's listen to what the Christian experts have to say about this ludicrous idea!

The rate of decay of ¹⁴C is such that half of an amount will convert back to ¹⁴N in 5,730 years (plus or minus 40 years). This is the ‘half-life.’ So, in two half-lives, or 11,460 years, only one-quarter will be left. Thus, if the amount of ¹⁴C relative to ¹²C in a sample is one-quarter of that in living organisms at present, then it has a theoretical age of 11,460 years. Anything over about 50,000 years old, should theoretically have no detectable ¹⁴C left. That is why radiocarbon dating cannot give millions of years. In fact, if a sample contains ¹⁴C, it is good evidence that it is not millions of years old.

Now that's some good Christian Mathematics! (I just wish they had explained how, if the Earth is 6,000 years old, anything could potentially be 11,460-50,000 years-old . . .)

Another misconception the good people of the Creation Museum clear up is the notion that "black people [are] the result of a curse on Ham" (one of the sons of Noah). As they explain, this is clearly nonsense spread by those heathens, the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. Instead, a close reading of the proper translation of "the Bible seems to indicate, in Genesis 9:22, that when Ham was disrespectful to his father Noah, this involved some sort of sexual connotation." I'll say! Here's the passage in question [warning: contains graphic sexual innuendo and is inappropriate for anyone who expects to go to Heaven]:

And [Noah] drank of the wine and was drunk. And he was uncovered inside his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside.

Whew! Give me a cold shower! So there you have it. Skin color is the punishment for Ham's deeply hidden, cleverly elided homosexual incestuous impulses, as brilliantly discovered by these Christian scientists. [Indigna: Hey folks, I wish I were making this shit up. I really do.]

Finally, the Museum definitively answers a popular conundrum: if only the children of Adam and Eve existed, "who was Cain's wife?" Well, here's the solution. Since Adam and Eve were perfect, 'cuz God didn't make no junk until after the Fall, then the first children are also near-perfect, and could legitimately marry their siblings without fear of "genetic defects." It is only since the Fall (contrary to popular belief, this was clearly way after Eve had given birth to a buncha kids who could legitimately . . . you know . . . do each other) that people have become imperfect, more so with each generation, thus requiring the relatively new-fangled "incest taboo."

(Warning: any Museum visitor who is moved by this information to wonder if so-called Original Sin wasn't committed by Adam and Eve but actually by Cain and, you know, his sister? or something? will be escorted to the nearest exit by armed security.)

So there you are, "Christian"! Get thee to the Creation Museum and embrace its truths unquestioningly, and be quick about it before the Rapture vacuums up all your friends and family while you just stand there with nothing but your intellectual curiosity.

Mathematics

Dear Indigna,

Recently, President Bush insisted, all evidence to the contrary, that the majority of Americans support his war effort and that the overwhelming defeat of the Republican party last November for control of Congress simply indicated that the American people wanted "a change in our strategy in Iraq" rather than withdrawal. He calls the 63% of Americans who support troop withdrawal "a handful." What is he smoking, and where can I get some?

Realist
Stats Island, NY

Dear Unrealist,

Oh come on! We all know that so-called "math" isn't the President's strong suit! Sixty-three, schmixty-three! He clearly understands that an even larger percentage of Americans -- maybe as many as ninety percent! -- actually favor his policy of killing more Iraqis. As I understand it, ninety is more than sixty-three, and President Bush has issued an Executive Order determining that the definition of "a handful" is "anything less than ninety percent." Thus, sixty-three percent is, like, a tiny handful!

Furthermore, we all know that Father Knows Best, and President Bush's strong suit clearly is as a Father, as evidenced by the fine behavior of his perfect daughters. So, as every parent knows, when the American people (i.e., adolescent children in W.'s mind) say, "we hate what you're doing," that just means you're doing the right thing! "Vote my people out, will you?" Bush thinks. "Just for that, you'll get another year of time out (i.e., tour extension)!"