Saturday, March 17, 2007

Confession is Good for the Terrorist

Dear Indigna,

This guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, has purportedly "confessed" to being the mastermind behind pretty much every major terrorist event prior to his capture in 2003. Given this clear evidence to the contrary, how can the Bush administration keep a straight face while continuing to insist that torture (such as they used on "KSM") does not result in false confessions?

Beyond Caring
Carefree, IN

Dear Careless,

I am shocked--shocked!--that you would impugn the integrity of such a clearly accomplished man. Yeah, yeah, he's an accomplished terrorist--he's still gotten a lot more done than you ever will in your lifetime! Let the man brag.

But wouldn't you agree that, if you confess to something that doesn't make the papers, you must be telling the truth? See if you still question his honesty after I share with you some of the "throwaway" confessions that the federal government didn't even think were spectacular enough to share with us! Here's just a taste:
  • He is the real Zodiac killer.
  • Jimmy Hoffa is under the new bathroom in his Baghdad pied-à-terre.
  • DNA proves that he is the father of Anna Nicole's baby.
  • His proudest moment? Getting that whole JFK thing pinned on Lee Harvey Oswald.
These, my friend, are the confessions of an honest man. Who else would expect to be believed?

Friday, March 16, 2007

Vacation Paradise

Dear Indigna,

Wasn't Joseph Wilson's trip to Niger, where he claimed to debunk the fact that Iraq tried to buy uranium there, just a junket? His wife probably gave the trip to him for their anniversary or something. What a waste of taxpayer money! We coulda spent that money on MREs or body bags or something.

Armchair General
War, WV

Dear General,

Yes, a Niger vacation would be an excellent gift. Few travel destinations are more coveted than this West African nation. Roughly twice the size of Texas, it boasts a bountiful landscape of sand, some of it flat and some of it in rolling, blowing, creeping dune form. And unlike some of its neighbors (and they know who they are) it is not currently roiling with violence--in fact, it hasn't experienced a military coup in something like eight years!

Niger is a sun-worshipper's dream because it boasts some of the highest temperatures and lowest levels of rainfall on earth--perfect for burnishing that summer glow. Be careful not to stroke out! If you visit between September and March you might even enjoy a dip in the Niger River, since it often has water in it then. When you're done "swimming" or, as the locals call it, "mucking about," you can visit the capital's museum and zoo, also known as "the home of sad animals."

Although Niger has the highest infant mortality rate in the world (about 25% before age 5 ), that's okay because it also has one of the highest fertility rates in the world too, with nearly 8 births per woman. And since only 70,000 of its people are salaried workers while the other 12.5 million are subsistence farmers on the 11% of the country that is arable, you can bet yer law-of-supply-and-demand that there are some whopping good bargains to be had in the marketplace! Since the average age of the citizenry is around 16 and life expectancy is less than 44 years, you're unlikely to encounter crowds of adults at your hotels and nightclubs, and you'll have plenty of privacy during your vacation since less than 18% of the population is literate--simply write notes for secure and convenient communications, especially if for some reason you cannot locate one of the country's 24,000 landline telephones. You can hardly expect a lot of traffic jams on Niger's whopping 3600 km of paved roadways, and imagine the thrill of a lifetime that you will experience if your plane lands at a destination that does not happen to boast one of the three paved runways capable of handling an international flight!

The capital of Niger, Niamey, offers at least five hotels, and you can see photos of the spectacular accomodations here, here, and here. The incredibly exciting menu at the Grand Hotel du Niger's restaurant apparently offers not only salad but also chicken, mutton, and an exotic delicacy described by one reviewer as "some other meat dish which I did not dare ask about, but it tasted OK." I can't imagine a more romantic and enticing destination!

Why Not Me ?

Dear Indigna,

Sounds like Karl Rove was the mastermind behind the firings of those federal prosecutors who were not deemed "loyal Bushies." In what universe is this legal?

Former Federal Prosecutor
Seattle, WA

Dear Disgruntled Former Employee,

As we all know from its having been repeated ad nauseum, federal prosecutors serve "at the pleasure of the president." Since Dick Cheney is down with a blood clot, someone has to be president! Why not Karl Rove?