Miracle Suit

Dear Indigna,

I just read in the news this morning about new swimwear that allows observant Muslim women like myself the ability to swim, surf, or even scuba dive while preserving my modesty and virginity. Is it true? Can I actually go to the beach without, as the article said, attracting "the unwanted looks of men"?

Hopeful
San Clemente, CA

Dear Hopeful,

Yes! It's true! These new "miracle suits" render you virtually invisible to men, therefore drastically reducing their otherwise inevitable attempts to rape you. Yet this miracle suit also allows women to see you and thus avoid crashing into you on their surfboards!

As for modesty? Nothing is more modest than a pair of wet nylon pants and a soaking Lycra tee, especially when paired with a "swim scarf" to cover your hair. Furthermore, it's nearly impossible to imagine anyone noticing a woman cavorting in the surf in an aqua and purple sequined polyester jogging suit, worn under a skirt, with a hot pink hijab billowing in the breeze.

Intrepidity

Dear Indigna,

I just read that a woman traded her five-month-old infant for a down-payment on a used Dodge Intrepid!!!!! A down-payment! How much was a Dodge Intrepid worth even new? Even the most top-of-the-line used Intrepid in great shape goes for around $10,000 at best. How much do you think the chick agreed to pay for the car? Do you think she got ripped off? I'm new to the city and in the market for a used car and it sounds like it's going to cost me a lot more than I thought--and I don't have anything to trade like she did.

Need a Ride
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Needy,

Listen, things are just a lot more expensive in LA. If you want to live in La-La-Land, you gotta be willing to pony up. I don't know how much this particular broad may have agreed to pay for the car but look at the deal this way: a five-month-old can't even sit up yet, much less get its mom to work. Whereas, a car is transportation, a home, even a place of business if you're in the right "profession." If you factor in the rents in this city, the deal this lady struck is starting to look pretty bold, daring, creative, even, dare I say it, intrepid?