Immigration II

Dear Indigna,

Why can’t the government do something about the immigration problem?

Irritated
San Jose, Costa Rica

Dear Irritated,

I assume you are referring to the vast influx of retired Americans who have been buying up all the most desirable oceanfront property in Central America and proceeding to build and occupy “gated communities” that deny the locals the use of the beach. I can explain this. President Bush is testing an immigration relief program that would simply swap our elderly for the hale and hearty young immigrants who can still work. If he can “export” a number of old folks equal to the number of immigrants (or “guest workers”), he can achieve a balance, halt the population expansion, and ensure that the least productive members of our society no longer burden the already strained resources of the government. Stage two, eliminating Medicare, should encourage an even greater number of fogies and leeches to find retirement in exile even more attractive. The final stage, getting rid of Social Security (but not the Social Security tax, of course) can be gradually introduced as the ex-pat community becomes more frail and unable to object. With the huge number of baby-boomers beginning to retire, I see little chance of this policy failing.

Holiday

Dear Indigna,

Republican Supervisor Fred Gold of Warminster, PA sent around an e-mail with a topless photo that I think might be of me “promoting Jan. 15 as ‘Breast Appreciation Day,’” accompanied by the comment, “Beats . . . Martin Luther King Day, doesn't it?" Should he resign?

His Humiliated Wife
Warminster, PA

Dear Wife,

I suggest you counterattack with an email promoting “Dickbrain Sympathy Day” to show support for your husband’s condition, along with a separate email urging a national holiday on “Penis Enlargement Day” with a photo of your husband’s other debilitating defect.

Pets

Dear Indigna,

My husband and I have always wanted to have children, but we are afraid to proceed. You see, we have a number of pets, including cats, dogs, rodents, reptiles and birds. We’re afraid that we could never love our children as much as our pets! What if we came to resent the child for demanding attention that we should be giving to our pets? What if the child weren’t as cute and cuddly as our pets (especially the snakes and tarantulas)? Please advise!

Should We or Shouldn’t We
Conception, MO

Dear Should,

It’s worse than you think. Children have been known to spew fluorescent yellow projectile shit if you don’t get that diaper on your newborn fast enough. I should know; my husband and I once had to replace several pieces of furniture after my firstborn took aim, just a few days after birth! Babies are far more clever than we, and use their wiles and wits, not to mention lung capacity, to get just about anything they want or need from us, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! Not only that, but children, unlike most pets, are notoriously long-lived. Once you have a child, you will have him for at least 18 years, and often 30 or 40 years, or more! Not only that, but should you tire of the child, or find that he is ungovernable or vicious, there is no animal shelter that you can drop him off at; rather, you will have to drive out to the country and leave him in some farmer’s field. Moreover, children are exceedingly costly to keep.

Finally, there is the issue of population control. There are far too many idiots like you already. Get sterilized immediately. Do it now. Don’t make me come down there!

Financing the Dream

Dear Indigna,

I recently read about a couple who hope to finance their wedding by selling pixels on a website for advertisements. That’s the whole site: advertisements. Putting aside the crassness of this approach, do you think it could work? They’re trying to raise a million dollars.

Looking for Easy Cash
Las Vegas. NV

Dear Looking,

I can think of few sites more enticing than one that offers nothing but advertisements, so this sounds like an excellent way for companies to invest their scarce marketing dollars. Imagine, being able to enjoy marketing pitches without the interference and distraction of entertainment!

That said, I have chosen a different route to finance my daughter’s wedding. We’ve printed up thousands of wedding invitations and she is posting them at all the local high schools and colleges, announcing her “party” with a cover charge of just $20!

If this doesn’t work, my second daughter plans to simply issue invoices to her wedding guests as they leave, itemizing the costs of the food and drink they consumed along with a “service charge” to cover the church, dress, flowers, etc. The beauty of this approach is that you can make the event as extravagent as you want without fear of debt, because you can engage a collection agency to recover the costs from the deadbeats who ignore the bills.

'Tweens

Dear Indigna,

I read recently in Newsday (3/19/06) that kids age 9-14 have $33 billion worth of purchasing power! Where the heck are they getting that kind of cash?

Flabbergasted
Dollar, AL

Dear Flab,

In addition to their massive allowances, most of them deal drugs. The more salient question is, how can we separate them from that kind of cash? I read recently about a “gossip reporter” who threatened to make up and publish damaging stories about this really rich guy unless the mark paid him an “annual stipend.” And that guy only had $2 billion! Imagine what a person can do with a target that has $33 billion! Now, I have already requested a copyright for this idea so you can’t use it, but it’s so brilliant I have to share it with you. You know MySpace.com? I understand that a lot of young kids on that site provide all kinds of spectacularly private and embarrassing information about their debauched lifestyles. In many cases I won’t even have to make stuff up! Children who do not want me to inform their parents what they’re up to can subscribe to my service, “ZipperLip” (get it?), which will ensure my silence for a nominal monthly fee based on a sliding scale (say, $100 for sexual activity to $1000 for felonious conduct). Sign up today!

DNA

Dear Indigna,

My next door neighbor’s newborn son looks disturbingly similar to my son when he was just a few days old. I’m beginning to suspect that the child may be mine. Should I ask my neighbors for a DNA swab? How should I explain such a request? Most importantly, should I confess this possibility to my husband?

In a Bad Spot
Toad Suck, AR

Dear Spot,

Why ask the neighbors? Just lean over his stroller and pretend to “coo” at him. If he doesn’t open his mouth, stick him with a pin so you can jab that Q-tip in there. If the results come back positive for maternity, by all means tell your husband immediately so he can get you the psychiatric attention you so manifestly need.

Francophiliaphobia

Dear Indigna,

You're always bashing the French! What do you have against the French?

Francophile
Paris, TX

Dear Franc,

I am French. The French are notoriously self-loathing.

P.S. You're not fooling anyone, "Paris." Fucking wannabe.

J'Accuse!

Dear Indigna,

I just read that the French government caved to its “student protesters” and chucked its new law that would allow employers to actually fire young employees under the age of 26 who fail to perform--though only within the first two years of employment!

I have four questions:

(1) Why are these kids considered “students” when most of them are spending all day lounging about in the Jardin des Tuileries “protesting”

(2) Why are some of the victorious “students,” according to the BBC, “unwilling to abandon their protest”

(3) Exactly what standard of living do these kids believe the world owes them simply for drawing breath, and

(4) Is this all because the French are bad parents?

Good Capitalist, Good Parent
New York, New York

Dear Good,

I will answer your questions in the order in which they were received.

(1) Everyone under the age of 35 in France is legally and technically a “student,” whether or not they are literate or actually attend classes of any kind, as long as they spend 50% or more of their time “protesting”

(2)(a) The students are unwilling to abandon their protests because the government is still run by a bunch of old farts instead of brilliant 15- to 35-year-old students who obviously know how to get things done

(2)(b) If they stopped “protesting” they’d have to go back to “school,” which in France can technically include Communist Party meetings and/or seminars on “How to Protest,” “Identifying Protesting Opportunities,” “How to Sustain a Protest When It Threatens to Impinge on Spring Break” and “Continuing a Protest Despite Unexpectedly Swift Victory”

(3) The students simply expect no more than the most reasonable standard of living, perhaps best summed up by beloved Franco-Persian poet Omar Citroën: “A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou, beside me, singing in the Jardin des Tuileries while we protest the government’s suggestion that we participate in the free market”

(4) Yes, this has all been brought about by the notoriously atrocious habits of French parents. They are rumored to model such behavior for their offspring as bathing infrequently, smoking Gitanes and drinking red wine, developing delectable pastries and rich sauces that are irresistible only to Americans while taunting us with books like the bestseller, “French Women Don’t Get Fat: In Your Face America!” and dragging their children along to seminars like “How Protesting Can Get Rich Capitalists To Subsidize Your Lifestyle.”

That said, the new law the French government has proposed is rather interesting. It includes, according to the BBC, “state support for employers hiring young people who face the most difficulties in gaining access to the labour market,” such as the lazy, illiterate, drug-addled, psychiatrically disabled, comatose, or “students.” The government will give employers money to hire these youths at living wages either to remain in their parents’ home watching TV, drinking red wine and smoking Gitanes, or to go out and protest company, governmental, and/or American policies while eating bread, drinking wine, and singing in the Jardin des Tuileries.

Logos

Dear Indigna,

Can you believe that Adidas claims they had no idea the cariacature of an Asian man that they put on one of their new sneaker designs would be offensive???

Proud Chinese-American
San Francisco, CA

Dear Proud,

It’s worse than you think. The image in question, featuring buck-teeth, slanted lines for eyes, bowl-shaped haircut and a pig-like nose, won out over Aunt Jemima, that cartoon of Mohammad with a bomb in his turban, and Juan Valdez picking lettuce for $1 an hour.