Some Women Perform Well in Math

Dear Indigna,

I recently read that, according to "experts," "Some Women Perform Well in Math." Can this possibly be true?

Clem
Somewhere in America, I think

Dear Clem,

It's important to understand the circumstances of the test. See, the little ladies were given a math test, then asked to read an article, then given another math test. When the article reminded them (them what cn reed) that girls can't do math, or even just "reminded" them that they are girls (which the flighty little things are likely to forget so easily!) they performed, as expected, poorly on the following math test. When the article suggested, by contrast, that the little ladies were just as capable as the men, they clearly were testing the "uppity" group, because the girls performed as well as, or better than, the men. Either that, or the girls were (a) cheating or (b) just being difficult. So the good news is, you can continue to feel intellectually superior to the females, Clem! (Unless the female in question is your thesis advisor in theoretical physics, in which case I suggest you get yourself cremated immediately because otherwise you're--literally--getting your ass handed to you.)

Gods' Girl

Dear Indigna,

I have a moral dilemma which only you can help me with. While getting gas at Wal-Mart today I saw a pickup truck with a decal on the rear window depicting a Christian cross with the caption "Gods' girl." If not for the cross I would have thought her a pagan-infidel. The vehicle was unattended -- maybe she was inside paying -- and the place was pretty crowded, so I didn't hunt her down and point out the error in punctuation. Should I have?

Krischun Mann
Live Oak, FL

Dear Evildoer,

As for me, I fear for your soul. It was, in fact, your moral duty to "hunt down" the person (or demon) responsible for this blasphemy. "Gods' girl" clearly is a polytheist, as God would never allow one of his "girls" to imply that He shares. Either that or she is taunting God with blatant cheating with other Gods.

Furthermore, the implication that illiterate persons might take from this inscription is that God (rather than "Gods") likes "girls," which would throw a wrench into our concept that God is (a) asexual and (b) if not, would prefer adult women.

Further-furthermore, you shirked your Christian duty by being a tightwad. Hellooo, Wal-Mart sells hunting rifles! God clearly put this provocation in your sight to see if you had the balls to do the necessary thing in the War Against Infidels (or people whose poor punctuation skills put them on God's "Shit List"). What, your credit limit is reached? You're broke? C'mon, Mann! God is your co-pilot, or something. He'll "pick up the tab," somehow, eventually! Or don't you believe enough???

Election Night

Dear Indigna,

I can't believe that the Democrats took control of the House! What will they invade next?? Where can I move to be safe from their liberal thinking?

Conservative Republican
Middle America, USA

Dear Conservative,

The conservative Republican ideal is to "shrink government until it can be drowned in the bathtub," right? So you should be right at home in places that have achieved non-existent government like Iraq, Afghanistan, or Darfur. Like our conservative administration, the chief executives in those countries do not make any attempt to impinge on the lives of their constituents by deigning to "improve" conditions for them, nor do they interfere with individuals' desire to impose their values, way of life, or tribal or racial preferences upon their neighbors. Sounds about "right" to me.