The Hard Stuff

Dear Indigna,

I recently changed jobs and got new insurance. Since then, the insurance has refused to pay for any of my prescription medication (Zyrtec for allergies, Zithromycin--Zithromycin!!--for my daughter's bronchitis, etc.). The excuse? "It's not on the formulary." So I gotta lug this list with me to the doctor and say, "whatever I got, you can only prescribe one of these drugs." What gives? How can they say I have (expensive!) "health insurance" when they don't cover the cures??

Sneezy and Wheezy
Danville, CA

Dear Sneezy,

Like I've said before, in the immortal words of Don Corleone, "It's just business." Listen, if they gave you an antibiotic any time you had a bacterial infection it would just encourage you to come back for more. We know how these things progress. As for "allergies," snap out of it! So you can't drive because of your tearing eyes. Hey, driving is a privilege, not a right! So you can barely breathe because of your reduced lung capacity. People have lived for thousands of years with the same problems and we're still here, aren't we? Plus, why not try those over-the-counter medications? What's that you say? They "don't work for you"?! Listen, Miss "Princess and the Pea," maybe you just need to just toughen up a bit.

As for your daughter, what kind of message are you sending her? That anything that's "wrong" can be solved with drugs? Wake up, woman! Don't you have a clue? Go down to the Tenderloin in San Francisco or Skid Row in L.A. and see what drugs do to people! Sure, it seems innocuous--start with a little Zithromax for your bronchitis, a little Erythromycin for your ear infection and pretty soon you're mainlining Claritin and relying on Lisipronil to control your blood pressure! And don't get me started on the "hard stuff" (chemotherapy). Listen, the insurance company is just looking out for your health--and that of your daughter. Isn't that what counts? As long as it doesn't cost too much?

Al-Zarqawi

Dear Indigna,

Many people are wondering how Abu Musab al-Zarqawi could possibly have survived the bombs dropped on the house he was visiting the other day, especially when no one else in the house did. What's your theory?

Conspiracy Theorist
Bozeman, MT

Dear Conspiracy,

This one is incredibly simple. The guy is (was) obviously a giant cockroach. The only way to kill those things is to squash them, preferably with two 500-lb. bombs.

Miracle

Dear Indigna,

Pat Robertson claims that at the age of 72 he could leg-press 2,000 lbs.! He even has video on his website purporting to show him "leg-pressing" 1,000 lbs. at the age of 74. Is he telling the truth here?

Skeptical Powerlifter
Muskegee, TN

Dear Skeptical,

No. He's just being modest. The real figure is a whopping 20,000 lbs.! That's how powerful God's love has made this man!

Plus, the Holy Spirit hath descended upon Pat Robertson and hath given him the recipes to His new "age-defying" food products, like "Pat's Diet Shake"--now available at a health food store or church service near you! This miracle food (aka "manna from heaven") endows he who partaketh thereof with the astonishing health and strength you saw demonstrated in Pat's video. The secret is in the remarkable healing powers of its ingredients, including "Fructose [sugar], Natural and Artificial Flavors, Cellulose Gum, Xanthan [fillers], . . . Sucralose [artificial sweetener], Sodium Chloride [table salt], . . . Potassium Iodide [treatment for radiation exposure], Silicon Dioxide [sand], Acesulfame-K [artificial sweetener], Zinc Oxide [sunscreen], Magnesium Oxide [laxative], Lecithin, Guar Gum [fillers]," and a full array of other vitamin-like chemical formulations.

Do these holy, God-given miracle products work? Well, just look at Pat Robertson! He's 76 and still an Adonis! I break out into a sweat just looking at him! He's like Zeus on steroids! The man can leg-press 1,000 lbs. wearing dress slacks! Without breaking a sweat! I bet he has the thighs of Atlas! I mean, the man's a god!

Jim Crow

Dear Indigna,

Recently, a conservative Christian, the Rev. Paul Zahl, dean of Trinity Episcopal School for Ministry in Ambridge, PA, objected to a church apology for support of slavery, stating, "We just find it hard this moment to take it seriously, when we ourselves feel like African-Americans did 50 years ago." Is it true? Has Jim Crow returned?

Guilty White Liberal Seeking an Out
Ambridge, PA

Dear Guilty,

What rock have you crawled out from under? You're from Ambridge. Haven't you noticed the crummy "Conservatives Only" water fountains mere yards away from the pristine, Perrier-spewing "Liberals Only" water fountains? What about the separate "Conservatives" and "Liberals" restrooms, train cars, hospital wards, baseball teams, textbooks, libraries, waiting rooms and public transit ticket windows? Surely you've seen the "No Conservatives" placards in front of restaurants. Didn't you realize that the marriage between liberal James Carville and conservative Mary Matalin would never have been allowed under the Ambridge anti-miscegenation laws? I would have thought that fire hoses and police dogs would have been amply evident at every liberal school that conservatives attempted to infiltrate. Hey, "they" have Oral Roberts University! Why do they need to come to our school?