Babel

Dear Indigna,

I am nine years old. My gramma recently took me to her church. This lady there started to speak in tongues. I thought she was having a seizure. I was so scared of this lady that I passed out! Now my gramma wants to take me to church again. I am terrified that I will have to see that scary thing again. Is it okay to tell my gramma I will never go to church again, anywhere, ever again in my entire life because of what I saw?

New Atheist
Devils Den, CA

P.S. I have attached a transcript of what the seizure-lady seemed to be saying.

Dear Atheist,

Oh grow up! You probably would have fainted if someone had suddenly starting speaking Arabic in your presence (especially if you were on an airplane over the Atlantic). Glossolalia is a perfectly legitimate foreign language, just like Esperanto and Ebonics. The fact that you couldn't understand it intuitively proves that you are a condemned sinner who is perhaps seconds away from being cast into the Lake of Fire, depending on when the Rapture comes.

Well, it's no surprise. Look where you live! "Devils Den"! It's clear that your gramma is just trying to save you from burning eternally in Hell with creatures more terrifying than your worst nightmares torturing you continually with white-hot pokers, while Satan sodomizes you with his thorn-bedecked member. BTW, if you don't need a dictionary to understand this fate, there is no hope left for you.

That said, I have taken the liberty of translating, as best I could (I'm not "native fluent"), what the Holy Spirit and/or God was saying, in Glossolalia of course, through the medium of your neighboring worshipper:

"Margie (presumably your gramma)! What the hell were you thinking bringing that bastard child (you, I guess) into My house? Didn't you realize that her biological father is actually Sam, from Accounting? And don't get Me started on her own behavior! Have you seen the girl's room??? And just last week she called little Billy Budumbump a "poopyhead." Clearly, I can never be Her Father after all that. In fact, I'm going to bump up the Rapture just so you and I, My sweet, sweet Margie, can enjoy all the pleasures of [censored] as all the others suffer 1,000 years of . . . hold on . . . oh . . . oh wait, I gotta take this, it's My wife. Catch you later."