Friday, July 13, 2007

Miss America

Dear Indigna,

Amy Polumbo, "Miss New Jersey," gets to keep her crown and compete in the Miss America pageant, despite pictures showing her "boyfriend nuzzl[ing] her bosom." How should I feel about this?

Trenton, NJ

Dear Flat,

Appalled, of course! What national news organization uses the word "bosom"??? That said, there is a perfectly legitimate reason for her boyfriend to be "nuzzling her bosom." He must be a nursling rooting for a meal. Unfortunately, that image does tend to open up a whole other line of disturbance, not the least of which, why would she be lactating if she is a "Miss"?

That said, one of the other images in question, that in which the lady "holds up two strategically placed pumpkins"--what's wrong with that? Combined with the previously-discussed image of fertility and lactation, it continues the "Ceres" theme of Woman as the giver of life, sustenance, and the bodacious patooties that make grown men (like Miss New Jersey's boyfriend, if he is indeed not a nursling) want to suckle once again. Furthermore, any other "indiscreet" photos implying procreative activities fit with the trope of the cornucopia of plenty provided by Mother Nature. In my opinion, this astonishingly appropriate, thematically unified photo gallery should guarantee young Miss New Jersey the crown!