Monday, October 16, 2006

What R U Wearing?

Dear Indigna,

I recently lost my job because of some IMs and emails I sent that were called "overly friendly" and even "naughty" by people more senior than me. Of course, these messages were completely taken out of context and misinterpreted, but try telling that to the Morality Police! They're also dredging up this ancient event from three or four years ago when I got a little toasted and went over to this "dorm" where the younger employees of my employer live and I just tried to get in to chill with my buds. So what? College frat boys try to sneak into the girls' dorms all the time and people dismiss it as "boys will be boys." But when I try it? It's age discrimination, I tell you! Listen, the so-called "age of consent" in D.C. is sixteen, so as far as I know that means I can have sex with sixteen-year-olds and they are not jailbait. But just 'cuz I'm 50-something people are getting all investigative on me and all. As if I would ever harm a child! I'm the chairman of the freaking House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children already! Yet I'm actually being investigated under a law that I created! I intended to protect kids under the age of, say, eight or nine from people soliciting sex on the Internet. As far as I'm concerned, that should automatically prove that I am not breaking any kind of law. Because clearly sixteen-year-old men that are totally hot do not need protection--heehee, no pun intended! Plus, I said I was sorry (that it came out--oops, another unintentional pun!) and my bud Denny Hastert said "we take responsibility" ("we" meaning the whole Congress, including the Democrats)!! I mean, Jeez!

Mark Foley, R-Florida (ret.)
Washington, D.C. (formerly)

Dear Rep. Foley,

I so get you, man. I'm a divorced woman and schoolteacher who's getting up there in years so it's getting harder and harder (teehee, inspired by you, you punster!) to find guys willing to "tap that." I find my position as the chair of the school's committee on sexual harassment exceedingly useful in avoiding what you so profoundly termed the "Morality Police." If a particular jock, hunk or other hottie swims into view, I know how to approach him without violating the so-called "letter of the law" that I wrote. For example, here's a typically unreproachable IM exchange, exhibiting no overt sexual solicitation, plus clear reciprocity on the part of the man.

HrnyTeach46: Did you do your homework yet?
"Student": Who is this?
HrnyTeach46: You naughty, naughty boy! I bet you didn't!
HrnyTeach46: yr making a C. Don't u want to make an A?
"Student": Is that . . . Mrs. [redacted]???
HrnyTeach46: What r u wearing?
"Student": My mom is calling me.
HrnyTeach46: do I make u horny?
"Student": I'm just sixteen. I'm still a virgin.
HrnyTeach46: cool. what u wrearing
"Student": This is gross. I gotta go.
HrnyTeach46: r u hrad
HrnyTeach46: take our a ruler and
HrnyTeach46: meas
HrnyTeach46: measure it
HrnyTeach46: mekljasisudfsiii iii i
HrnyTeach46: wart ru wearing
HrnyTeach46: dfls
HrnyTeach46: dajklf
HrnyTeach46: dfjlsaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
HrnyTeach46: R U still there?

I mean, what's the harm in that? I was obviously just trying to help the kid with his homework. Anyone who objects has clearly got a dirty mind! BTW, what R U wearing?