Saturday, March 31, 2007

Breed Between the Lines

Dear Indigna,

On NPR this morning I heard a story about a hog-farming community in Minnesota whose town council unanimously approved a resolution supporting the pending Congressional bill to create a federal "Department of Peace," whose purpose would be to promote creative non-violent conflict resolution as an alternative to war. Such a department would strive to keep the U.S. from getting into situations like the one we're in now in the Middle East.

Two weeks later, after hearing from the community, the council rescinded that resolution on the grounds that, among other things, it would cede U.S. sovereignty to the United Nations, give victory to the Communists, and perhaps most importantly, would make us look like "a bunch of wusses." Upon being interviewed, the councilmembers were unable to identify the language in the bill that gave the U.N. power over the U.S., even after reading it over with the journalist, but nevertheless insisted that it is "in there."

My question is, can these people be considered literate? And, insofar as they are afraid of "Communists," is it possible that this Minnesota county is located in some sort of anomaly in the space-time continuum that has trapped the society in the Cold War era while the rest of the world has moved on, much as Arizona stays on "regular time" while the rest of the country "springs forward" with daylight savings?

Grade School Graduate
Hog Wallow, AR

Dear so-called "Grad-you-ate" (like that make yew better'n folk),

Well, your questions are just silly. Of course these Patriots is literate, in fact they's more literate then that there reporter because they can understand the meaning of the bill better than him. Just because something don't type something out in so many words don't mean it ain't in there. The fact that this "congressman" hid his meaning in words that did not mean what it means just proves that he is a Communist and wants to destroy his own country for unknown and mysterious Communist-type reasons.

The important question here is, would the creation of a "Department of Peace" mean we are a country of pussies? All you have to do is to ask the ladies. Women find nothing manlier or sexier than a guy who can drop cluster bombs and white phosphorus on a wedding party or grammar school without turning a hair. Want to prove you've got a big Dick? Get him to help you invade an unarmed, economically crippled country that poses no threat to you. Help him expose and end the career of a woman whose only crime is being married to a guy who dissed you. (Plus, it's so much easier to beat up on a woman than a man. Chicks dig guys with the balls to pick on them.)